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Friday, December 08, 2006

Fizzbomb Royale

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I gather I'm alone in my non-appreciation of Daniel Craig.

Most gentlemen I know are all a-flutter over his sinew-y charms, yet all I shall say is we had a sofa that colour and texture back in the 1970s, and you know what that was like when you sat on it in hot weather. Pity poor Eva Green as she has to romp with him during the humid conditions of Venice; she'd be peeling herself off that with a 'schluuuuck!' and a wince.

I said this to one of my viewing companions, the marvelous Teutonic German broad Astrid. Although I did have to say it several times; she was so enraptures with Mr Craig that she was fizzing at the bunghole to such an extent we had to chisel her off the velour with the plastic spoon from a Screwball ice-cream while the credits ran. She claims that Mr Craig had managed a "minge-tighteningly brilliant performance" but I know for a fact she has not kept up her pelvic floors and hasn't been able to even come close to gripping anything wider than a Pringles tube since The Falklands War. But still she insists that ol'-saddlebag-with-eyes Craig could turn the most violent of Ladies Who Use Powertools to the ways of the cock.

I'd have liked to have put this to the test, but all my lesbotic friends have all 'reverted to their factory settings' and are not really available for untainted commenting. All of them. Was there a meeting? Did a memo go out? Does it mean that pippin songstress Pink has gigs nigh-on empty now? Who's buying camomile tea?! For one, I may have to start auditioning for a new Lady With Chunky Watch for a friend; I really need to get the house wi-fi'd and you can imagine how ludicrous a gay man is with cabling. We just tend to match them by colour and then tie them in lovely bows.

But while we're on the subject, were we all aware that Dame Judi of Dench's character in Casino Royale - there was much talk of making her a Lady Who Enjoys Bad Girls? I'm slightly glad they didn't; why the insistence that any woman who is a 'ball-breaker' come out on the side of female tennis players? It's such a cliche these days it does little to break the stereotype and besides, this way she just comes across as a frustrated mother who's sons have just phoned to say they won't be coming home for Christmas, which is far better. You know you can distract any Lady With The Potential To Teach Gym with a decent picture of Charlize Theron, whereas here she's going to save the world efficiently, then go off and stick her hands in the sink saying "No, it's fine. As long as they're happy. Now slice those onions for me - I have a bath to clean."

Instead we get to see a pyjama'd man lying next to her in a bedroom scene. I personally hope it was Geoffrey Palmer lying prostrate there, meaning her mumsy character from the OAP-warming situation-com 'As Time Goes By' is part of the canon. And that her character Jean Hardcastle was really running the world in between firing off pithy notes to the milkman.

Oh yes, we love Dame Judi here at Glitter for Brains. We should send her something from the offices to show our appreciation, but looking around all I can see are a couple of A*Teen posters and a cravat we once nicked from Christopher Lee at the Gormenghast premiere (he was ratted, we had to stand on a chair). We've decided our favourite thing about her is she'll team up with Maggie Smith every year or so and do any old drama based on a load of hats they find at the back of the RADA store cupboard. 'Ladies in Lavender'? A happy accident after Dame Maggie's wafty ethnic wrap ran at 60 degrees.

Although. Wouldn't it have been nice for just a moment in Casino Royale for Dame J's wardrobe door to have swung open and her lobster suit from the FilmFour ad to have been seen?

It all links in, see.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been a bit puzzled by the Daniel Craig thing, too. I'm glad I'm not alone. Okay, the eyes are quite something, and there is an appeal to his general ruggedness, but although they made a big song and dance about the bod, it wasn't really anything special. Certainly nowhere near the level you'd see in the average gay club. (After all, we only really notice the ones who take their shirts off, and the ones who take their shirts off are the ones with something to show underneath the shirt, n'est ce pas?) Give me Ryan Reynolds in Blade: Trinity any day of the week. And most of the weekend.

Owen Blacker said...

Nope, right with you there. I mean yeah, he's alright and I probably would, but that's hardly a resounding endorsement.

I can think of an awful lot of footballers who I'd rather. Most of whom are gonna be playing at Stamford Bridge on Sunday?

Anonymous said...

Not "really anything special"?? Nowhere near "the level you'd see in the average gay club"???? Crikey, am obviously going to the wrong places.

Anonymous said...

Can't stick 'im as Bond but would love to stick 'im every other which way.

Love, have voted for you in the Pink Paper Poll (even worked out the url myself as your link is to .com and it's .co.uk, you might want to change that!) but may have to sue you for the RSI I'm bound to get from scrolling through all the other random categories to get to 61. Hope you win, am sure you will, hopefully I'll join you in the competition next year!

Hugh x

kim said...

"For one, I may have to start auditioning for a new Lady With Chunky Watch for a friend; I really need to get the house wi-fi'd and you can imagine how ludicrous a gay man is with cabling."

Oh, crikey, crikey crikey, what are you doing on sunday? I can come round and do it then?

Anonymous said...

You are all MAD, MAD I tells ya! Daniel Craig is yummy and walking sex and I will hear not another word to the contrary! Capiche?

Anyway, I, too, love "As Time Goes By." And if the pajama-fellow next to Dame Judi was Geoffrey Palmer, I'd squee with delight!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU !!

hahahahhah

i want to see you in that lobster suit when you receive your award for the best blog.
xxx

Gaymosexual said...

Darling, remind me to introduce you to Judi at some point. As long as you promise not to go all 'Kate Mulgrew' on her and embarrass me.

Anonymous said...

I think it's time for my bed. I read this almost to the end before I realised you were talking about David Craig the new Bond, and not David Gest - ex Mr Liza Minelli.

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Melanie said...

I'm a card-carrying breeder, and I must say that I find Daniel Craig about as appealing as week-old halibut. I enjoyed the movie all to hell, but I'm full-blown gonzo confused about this overwhelming estrogen tide caused by his starring role. Takes all kinds, I suppose.

Spike said...

Onya, Melanie.

If they're widdling their knickers over this new Bond person, het girlies aren't seeing enough hot man flesh. I'd do him but only on an ordinary night.

Spike said...

P.S. I ticked your box.

Vesper said...

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Spaceminx said...

Ahem! As a lady who loves Bad Girls I have to say that Daniel Craig would not convert me at all. No sirree. Not even if he wore an Angelina Jolie mask and doused himself in CK One.

mr null said...

Have you noticed that craig has about 2 expressions in that flick??

mr null said...

Oh - and i totally misread the category you've been entered for - I thought it said "gay bloke of the year". nice work btw, always a top read.

Snooze said...

I am so going to have to see Casino Royale now. But you know I'll be thinking of this post the entire time.

morgalou said...

Daniel Craig. Love him. Loved him for aaages. All chiselled and whatnot. Won't hear a bad word said about him, so have read this entire post with my fingers in my ears, going "LaalaalaaI'mnotlistening".

And besides, I think he makes a great Bond.

*insert obligatory, borderline smutty "Bond with that" pun here*.

Voted for your blog too, Lee!