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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Friends and Pens

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They say you should never work with children and animals. But that's only the top two of the list you know, and goes on to include 'old friends', 'any man who wears sandals' and 'Sean Young'. Because apparently she's a right old cow.

Though you know me, I'm always one to throw convention out of the window - I was the first person in my cul-de-sac to own a bolero jacket. So when my old dear friend The Very Paul Vyse, that well-known transport-based lothario, graciously offered to let me pop in and fill up the desks just before Christmas at his well-known magazine, what else could I do but accept.

Well, I say working, its more like guesting in his situation-com. 'The New Paul Vyse Show'. Everything is done with such theatrics around here, at the end of each day you do expect someone to hold up a caption of 'You Have Been Watching' while various office workers look to camera holding repro pages and scalpels with a look of mild British shock on their face.

And you have to have your wits about you. There I am, daydreaming about that new Densel Washington film - you know the one? 'Deja Vu'? I just keep thinking 'I'm sure I've seen that before...' when I'm asked to comment on disparate things like what the colour of soap operas should be, and what we think of the cutout on John Nettle's hair.

It's very demanding.

What with that and being half cut on booze for the most part.

I've also learned never to work in an office mostly populated by women. They lay siege to the thermostat. Somehow they've managed to crank it up from 32-degrees, past 'pot-roast' to 'broil' and I'm sitting here sweating like a worried prostitution punter in Ipswich. And still there are girls wandering around in scarves saying "Brr! Isn't it bitter..?" No! No it's not! It's hotter than the surface of the Sun, you bizarre horse. I physically can't pick anything up as my hands are so sweaty; I've been pawing at my cup of coffee for the last three hours. And heaven help me when I try and write something as the pen just shoots out of my hands! Do you know there's four embedded above me in the ceiling tiles. And its very difficult to concentrate with Papermate stalactites dangling so.

And as it turns out, working with your friends is a riot. We haven't been sober for any of it; it has taken me three days to do two pages because the vodka visor has been plastered to my face.

But I tell you something, you know that new Densel Washington film? 'Deja Vu'? I'm sure I've seen that before...


Qenny said...

Sounds like you're having a whale of a time, love! And you might be plastered, but you're still able to come up with gems like this:

sweating like a worried prostitution punter in Ipswich

That's why we love you so!

(I'm wondering if this will appear as anon like my last comment did. Something to do with the changeover from blogger to blogger v 2 with integrated Googleness.)

AndyT13 said...

Ah. I'd kill every person in this room for a drop of sweet sweet beer. It's been 70 bloody days. How's one supposed to be a drunken whore without a nip? That's what I want to know. And when are you coming to the states? :-) Happy / Merry you lovely man.

Miss T said...

Mmmm. Maybe they aren't human females in that office. They sound more reptilian.

Vampire Librarian said...

"Papermate stalactites" made me laugh. Good luck with the thermostat.

kleverkloggs said...

Why does the statuesque Sean Young have such afearsome reputation, the last thing I saw her in, some children's flick, her character turns out to be a man1