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Sunday, December 24, 2006

Ho Ho Ho

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Almost forty years ago to the day, dear old Doctor Who turned to the camera and wished 'A very merry Christmas to all of you at home as well'.

Which was sweet, and also brilliant because Doctor Who fans have been trying to justify it for as many years before going mad and dissolving into a puddle very much like the Wicked Witch of the West. Arguments range from 'well, maybe someone was watching them in the Space/Time Visualiser' to 'Well clearly the mad, apparently-homophobic actor William Hartnell had just had a knock on the head with his very own Lucky Poofter Spade and couldn't tell which way was up'. Either way, the show was fined two-and-six and banned from appearing on Christmas day for almost four decades.

Myself, I'm still a bit 'meh' about the whole thing. If I were a publican, I'd be opening 'Bar Humbug' right about now. And all this after I've had about four separate Christmases this year..! You'd think I'd be drowning in Christmas spirit, but in all truth, I can't even get the lid off and there's no ice in the refrigerator.

One of them was a lovely pre-Christmas Christmas in the wilds of Devon a few days back. First holiday in ages, at the behest of my lovely chums Dan and Moray. I climbed a mountain one day. In a slight heel, too. Well, I'm told there are no mountains in Devon, but to me it was higher than Whitney on Grammy night, so I say it was a mountain. I felt like I climbed to the top of the world..! Only there were cows at the top.

"Well, that seals it, then," said The Boy. "Cows can't climb mountains."

"Perhaps they found the cable-car," I mumbled before turning up S Club 7.

To balance this raging act of heterosexual outward-bound, I made a cake too. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Leave a gay in a kitchen long enough, he'll come up with the baked goods.

And I'm still here in just my jeans, tapping away. on Christmas Eve, when nothing should be stirring, not even a mouse. Well, bar the swizzle-stick in my martini, but they never put anything in these rhymes about I still have presents to wrap. Hell, I still have presents to buy..!

Christmas. It's all about the apathy if you ask me.

13 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Sorry, I'm too apathetic to care. Or is it lazy? Or miserable?

Oh well, one of the above will do.

Now, where's that bar you were talking about? If I don't have a drink soon, I'll have to go and throw frozen turkeys at carol singers...

Humbug!

Bob said...

Merry ho ho, ho. Greetings from a little town down Cornhole, erm, Cornwall way called Fowey (which apparently rhymes with boy and toy). Speaking of pretty young houseboys at the Old Quay House ...

See you soon. x

Pam said...

Have a good Xmas.

Ms C Qrisp said...

Keep swizzling... Have a Merry Christmas, Lee

Mr J said...

Merry Christmas to you
Hope you watchedd the 1965 Peter Cushing fillum, Doctor Who and the Daleks on Sky one last night. Lovd the over made up uber arian hitler youth.
ho ho ho.
x

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M@tt said...

Hey man, I know I already did but I wish you a very merry christmas....xxx

AndyT13 said...

I love reading you dear Lee but sometimes I hae to wonder what the f*ck it is you're talking about. Who on Earth would Dr. Who be fined for addressing the at-home audience? Who would care if he did?
Clearly I'm an idiot Yank Breeder who wouldn't know the first thing about anything. Hmmm. Yank Breeder. Those are two seperate thoughts you know. No, really! Anyway a very very very Merry Christmas to you all you drunken bastards. I'll have you know I'm 72 day ssober and hating the lot of you. Now do go and have one for me, won'tchu? There's a good lad.

CyberPete said...

Happy holidays!

*serves up a batch of piƱa coladas and lounges on his chaise*

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Have a gay old time in the new year!

Howard said...

Have as fabulous or dreary new year as you deem appropriate. I dare say I'll see you for a gin in the new year and, with a bit of luck, pick the pocket of the woman sitting behind you to pay for my round.

Vesper said...

happy new year!!!

Pam said...

Happy new year !