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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Sex And The Lower Orders

I know you bally foreigners don't think we British have The Sex. I'm sure you think we just sit around holding pale, clammy hands, and only 'push the beds together' when our ardor is inflamed by a particularly good episode of The Antiques Roadshow.

Well, it's not true. Well, mostly. A lot of it happens because there's cock-all else to do in this weather. I myself found that I tended to be sleeping with people just to keep warm, though when I mentioned this to a colleague, he said that 'Britain must have been going through a mini Ice-Age then.' So I Took Against Him and wrote 'I have only one testicle' on all his Post-It notes in UV pen. I can't wait til he goes through Customs this weekend.

So we're not as outrageous about it like our European brethren, so what? The second-worst thing about it is there's often a little bit too much over-compensation in the media as a result. How else do you explain our Carry On films, or not being able to open a copy of Cosmo without an article on how lewd suburbia is, including interviews with 'Jean, 38' who's just discovered swinging and bondage ever since her kids left home. That as may be, 'Jean' but I bet you don't have anyone over without a good whirl around with the hoover, and changing the pot pourii to a more racy 'Jungle Spice'.

But by far the worst part of driving it underground and suppressing it is the problems that arise: we British are currently captivated by the latest serial killer who has bumped off five prostitutes so far. Of course he's known as 'The Ripper' - every serial killer we've had since Queen Victoria gracefully straddled Mr Brown's purple-headed custard-chucker has been known as some sort of Ripper. It's a terrible business, and I do hope whoever's doing it is caught.

You see, I'm a firm believer that prostitutes (or 'Women Without Any Typing Skills' as my mother refers to them) are a Good Thing. And they should be allowed to keep brothels as, for one, it gets them off the streets. Again, I have no problem with, but you get that much stretched PVC out in rainy weather and its not going to be pretty, know what I'm saying. The squeaking alone will sound like thirty cats being sandpapered (or, as we also know it, 'Emma Bunton's latest album'). And lets not forget about that much Harmony root-lift fizzing away as soon as we get a quick downpour - next thing you know you've got a slick of it running down the high street and cars are aqua-planing right into Comet shop-fronts.

So I'm not sure why brothels aren't legal. Look, if the Masons are allowed to taunt goats and engage in same-sex orgies, why can't some girls get together and have one of those charming knocking-shops above an off-licence? You know, the ones with flock wallpaper, and a kettle that takes too long to boil? This way we can all think of prostitutes as the Fifth Emergency Service, right up there with The Automobile Association, and L'Oriel Hot Hair Repair.

I do speak with some experience: I myself was a male prostitute for a grand total of one week, stopping after one Gentleman Caller requested that I did something unsavoury with an Oxo Cube. I'd got this 'romantic' idea about it all after watching Pretty Woman and thought I could get a bit of cash and learn to shop in an Eighties-style montage. But it was not to be and I gave it up sharpish; you should see how picky I am when I'm dating. I once turned someone down simply for having a dried bit of foam on his ear from shaving. Honestly.

People are just after that connection, if you ask me.

15 comments:

Owen Blacker said...

But, but, couldn't you have used the same solution one does for gentlemen of questionable personal hygeine?

Yes, of course I mean you just shag in the shower! ;o)

Anonymous said...

Lee: You people work on commission, right?
Shop assistant: Yeah.
Lee: Big mistake. Big. Huge.

CyberPete said...

I've always viewed the English as quite pervy, up there with the Germans

Which is a good thing if you ask me

kim said...

Pete, you're not wrong. I believe spanking was known as the English Vice for many years...

Anonymous said...

Indeed the 'Carry On' films have a lot to answer for..although in their innocence they have provided the world with a false perception of the brits sex life....

As we ALL know its not afternoon tea and cricket!

I agree about the brothel comments, I have no desire to visit them myself but they do provide a service for others...Although with my dry spell on the bum lovin of late then maybe male whoring is the next step?

Wanton Wonton said...

women without any typing skills...god, i love your mom! ha ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Ripper has such a soon-to-be hollywood film ring to it. But why do they pick on the prostitutes when they could simply knock off a few of the earl grey tea swilling old bitties that give you Brits such a sexually-stuffed up reputation?!

Anonymous said...

I thought they had cast this one as the Suffolk Strangler, and was thinking how nice it was that they'd been a bit adventurous in eschewing the standard "ripper" tag.

And you know, when that gentleman caller suggested taking you up the Oxo Tower, it might just have been an innocent dinner invitation ...

Anonymous said...

I heard at least one news programme refer to the Suffolk Strangler, and thought how nice it was that they were having a departure from the "ripper" tag.

And you know, your gentleman caller's desire to take you up the Oxo Tower could simply have been a dinner invitation ...

Anonymous said...

Oops. Guess who tried to submit a comment, failed, tried again, and then had both of them turn up?

AndyT13 said...

I too found the Women Without any Typing Skills to be hysterical. Go Mom!

Anonymous said...

Brothel - not always a solution. One of my clients rented out his premises to a very succesful operation (in fact this lady had a chain of brothels in medium sized market towns) the police were good customers and it was all tickety boo, until there was a double murder there last summer.

matty said...

I did some sex work in the early 90's. It should be legal. ...and, it is a great way to stay warm! ...and to connect!

Skip said...

Hang on Lee? Is this your sexworker thing where they printed the Ad in the wrong version of Boyz and you got phone calls from old men in Befordshire who thought you looked homely?

No Shit Sherlock said...

I told someone that the British idea of sex was to touch the ends of your index fingers together like ET.
He believed me.
There's a reason I don't have a bloke.