Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Clarence

I think I want to shag Ryan Reynolds so hard his eyes would uncross.

Well, have you seen them? Those beautiful brown orbs look like he's staring at a rather nasty blackhead dead-centre on his nose. Or, as my beloved mother would say "one eye's going down the shops, the other's coming back with the change". I find it rather endearing; he looks a little simple. Like that captain of the rugby team who was a little too slow to realise what you were doing, how drunk he was, and why there were rose petals on the bed and champagne chilling in your dormitory's sink - until it was far too late. Uh, I would imagine.

In fact, whatever troubles the Boy and I go through, we will always be united in our love for Ryan. We were practically having a spiritual threesome in the foyer when presented with the poster of his new movie; they say American movies often make you want to go out and buy things - this one made us want to smooth down the duvet and check the pot pouri was topped up as we waited for the doorbell to go, all the while holding each other's hand saying 'It won't change anything, believe me'.

But back to the film. It turns out that 'Smokin' Aces' is quite good. Although clearly aching to be 'The Usual Suspects', right down to twists you see a mile off and an awful lot of limping acting going on. There seems to be a slew of violent Indie romps with limping in lately - all I shall say is Meryl got their first and won an award for Best Supporting, so you may as well just forget about it. So 'The Usual Suspects' with limping, a shoe-string budget and a TV star-caliber cast - naming no names, but all I shall say is if 'The Love Boat' were still sailing, we'd already have our list of guest stars for this season. And you can tell its made for less money than a Diana Ross hair-do, as most of the big names are written out as soon as the cash runs low. You can hear the producer going 'Look, you can have Andy Garcia for another reel, or a whole new whore wardrobe for Alicia Keys..."

So, very enjoyable, which is odd because it barely registers on the Naked-Ryan-O-Meter ('Blade III' gets an '8' for that topless scene and allusions that he sleeps with older men; the usher had to escort me out of the theatre for biting the hat of the woman in front of me at that bit). But this film? A '2' at best. He nary takes off anything - not even a sock. All I shall say is there were two Gentlemen Who Can Recite Any Dynasty Catfight with their nails embedded in the arm-rests, poised - I say poised - for a bit of chest, maybe a hint of butt, and all we got was some sweaty shirt and an unkempt beard.

And, frankly, if I were attracted to that, I'd be licking the mirror whenever I had a hangover.

10 comments:

Lady Muck said...

Sweaty? Unkempt beard? Straight? Or even gay?

Send him my way...

***purrs - all sinister, like***

Oh yeah, FIRST!!!!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Who the flick is Ryan Reynolds? I'm just popping out to google him. Won't be long...

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ohhhhh...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Aahhh!

Tim said...

Lee, he's Van Wilder - I'm sure he's up for anything!

Qenny said...

I'm more than a little surprised that a still of shirtless Ryan from Blade: Trinity isn't already adorning your Boys we are foaming at the gash about list.

aumojo said...

Man, that boy was even sexy wielding an Axe in Amityville.

*purrs*

Leonie said...

ooh, oooh, OOOOH! I didn't realise he was in it!

*unseemly dash to cinema*

Owen Blacker said...

You really do need to update your "Boys we are foaming at the gash about". You can't still fancy Matthew Fox, can you (Sawyer and Sayeed are more my cup of tea anyways, frankly).

I'm torn. Between disappointment at the lack of a "proper" GlitterForBrains film review and mirth at the idea of a rugby captain with rose petals on the bed. (Overkill much, sweetie!)

Though now I do want to see you hungover…

Spike said...

*peering over Device dear's shoulder*

Oh HIM! Definitely a Nummy Treat.

Liz said...

Now see, when I raved about him in Blade: Trinity, everyone thought I was a bit touched - one liners to die for: "Her name is Danica Talos. You met her earlier. And unlike typical vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina."

I think I will just go and pop this dvd into the tv in the bathroom.

toodles!

Liz