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Monday, January 08, 2007

The Glitter For Brains Review of The Year!

2006. What a bizarre year this was. Did anyone get out of it unscathed? Well, clearly Lindsay Lohan aside - what is that woman, Teflon? She can bitch and whine and slowly implode in a cloud of lunacy, but she's still getting the roles. Madness. But for the rest of we mere mortals, 2006 was a year of change, drama, and no-one watching Desperate Housewives. Lets take an glittering look at what went on, shall we?

Film of the Year
For the first time this year, we truly cared about the Oscars. We know - as a fully card-carrying Gentleman Who Applauds Jodie Foster's Apparently Single Lifestyle, we're meant to be up and watching every year. But frankly its on 3am in the morning here in the UK. And no matter the promise of a parade of fabulous frocks, or maybe a hint of Ryan Reynolds in a tux is going to lever us out from under our duvet while it's darker outside than John Malkovich's under-crackers. What? Well. What can we say - he just looks grubby.

Why we were caring about the Oscars? In our honest opinion 'Brokeback Mountain' should have won best film. But noooo. Stupid silly Hollywood went for 'Crash' instead.

I was distressed. No more so distressing than Rachel Weisz's hideous just-got-off-the-Mayflower outfit, or that Theron woman's nasty mall perm. And while we're on the point, why do they invite Matt Dillon to these events? He's never going to win anything. It's a bit like inviting Paris Hilton to the MENSA coffee morning - though I'd love to see where that'd go when they ask her whether she's experienced any Balzac.

Anyway, film of the year? It was a bit of a dearth, wasn't it? Come on, when someone starts swinging around 'Garfield 2: A Tale of Two Kitties', you know you're in trouble. So I'm going to have to go for the laugh-out-loud 'Over The Hedge' because it made me snort my Galaxy Caramel down my nose, followed by 'Casino Royale'. Because every blockbuster should have Dame Judy Dench in it.

Worst Film of the Year
Superman Returns.
I know, I know. It had bright, shiny cast with bright shiny skin, and bright shiny story - all ingredients that usually bedazzle we Gentlemen Who Like Showtunes. But honestly, Rachel Weisz's Oscar dress hung together better, and we came out of the theatre feeling almost as hollow as Kate Moss after a visit by the All-Black rugby team. Nil points!

Man Alive!
And what a dirth of gentlemen to idolise there has been too! I mean, not personally - I decided a bit of catch-up after my four year hiatus and proceeded to have more pricks than a second-hand dartboard. But TV and movie-wise, what did we have? Nothing! There's a bit of a stirring over the BBC's new Robin Hood (I did some touching up of some pictures of him, and I can say he dresses to the left. VERY far to the left) and maybe Helo in the new Battlestar Galactica could rattle the bars of our cage. As a result, we're just going to have to go for Brad Pitt. Because we haven't nominated him before, and he still has a smile that can cause the onset of puberty. And in 2007, he's going to be playing a dual role in a movie with himself. We tell you, if there's even a hint of a sex scene between the two of them, the usherette is going to have to pry our teeth off the seat in front with a crowbar.

Slipping Under:
We have to mention Vince Vaughan. Not because we'd ever want to ride his love-pipe, but we could appreciate that he had a certain something a few years back. Well, recently, those 'certain something' has been all the pies he can cram into his smug-looking trap. That man is huge! And what in heaven's name is Aniston woman doing with him - we mean, from Pitt to that?! Someone check her fingers for splinters, cause she's been scraping the bottom of the barrel like buggery.

Downturn of the Year
Poor old Martine McCutcheon. 2005, she was still enjoying being the darling of the stage and had the lead role in a very successful British film. Then all of a sudden it goes a bit quiet from Miss McClutchbag, with only a guest role in ropey fantasy-drama Spooks to bulk out her CV. Which was fine because we, the British public, had long suspected she was a bit of a bitch underneath that 'corks lummy, how did little-ol'-me get this far?' act she was trying to project, so any time she was off our screens was welcome. We at Glitter For Brains hoped she was simply taking the time out to sort out that rather distracting visible facial hair problem she has.

But still, by the end of 2006 a rather fabulous nothing from her. In fact, we hear she can be found outside The Albany Theatre, begging for walk-ons these days.

An honorary mention goes to Tom Cruise, who almost got the Worst Film accolade for Mission: Impossible III, only we didn't go and see it. And neither really did anyone else, showing we're all blissfully sick of his sofa-antics and the bizarre marriage to bladder-on-a-stick Holmes. He's clearly madder than John Malkovich (John, darling, we know that hemp clothing makes you feel morally superior, but it looks itchier than a night down the Gentleman's Recreational Health Club and it's a bitch to accessorize with, unless you count sack-cloth) and so Paramount are suing him for '15% loss of expected earnings' after his mad outbursts about all and sundry.

So we would give him the award, but actually we don't believe he exists, can be treated with vitamin pills, and is a scientific implausibility. Now lets all join hands and worship the mothership.

Album of the Year
Did anything decent come out in 2006? We mean, Madge's Confessions was late 2005, and even stalwarts Girls Aloud gave up the ghost with a Greatest Hits compilation stuffed with b-side rejects to more padded out than Nicola's bra. So who's left? Gnarls Barkley? Do cock off. Instead, we give a joint award to The Puppini Sisters and The Pippettes, for reminding us that old-style swing and 50s rock can be cool.

Success of the Year
All hail Dame Kylie! Back on tour, and even madder than ever. We had the delightful opportunity of witnessing her new tour; it's as if she's gone "Bugger me, I almost died - so fuck it! Get out the glitter and feathers, I'm back!.

Oh lord, imagine if Dame Kylie had finally hung up her silver space heels, - Gentlemen Who Moisturise across the land would have been inconsolable. There'd be a national gay day of mourning, and lord help you if you were after a haircut or a decent latte if that happens. So we are all deliriously happy that she's back and on tour - let us raise our drink to her beating breast cancer!

Just the one cup, though. Grin.

Highlights, Lowlights, and Perms.
Well, I met David Tennant this year. A real gentleman, and terribly interested in what I did - right up until I slammed his trailer door in his face. Whoops. My card's marked there.

I've gone freelance, meaning now I'm parachuted into places that need things prettying up. I'm like a gay superhero. With crayons.

I lost a great person when my four-year relationship went tits up somewhat unexpectedly to both of us. I still miss him and I hope he's doing well this year.

But I gained a comedy co-star with my new beau, who's currently wowing all my friends with how wonderful he is.

I'm up for another award (this is just daft) and you can still vote. Oh go on. Do.

And, naturally, I'd like to thank you all for reading another year. You, yes you, are lovely.


Jonathan said...

Me? Lovely?, Awww thanks!!

No dear, thank YOU for entertaining us all for another year!

missfee said...

well am sure you've seen ol' martine and her drmatically plucked eyebrows making her/their comeback on Soapstar Superstar?? Bless...

Snooze said...

"Just one cup though" - Lee, you are widkedly wonderful.

Eden said...

I read just about all of this aloud to my husband. Deelish, as always. ;)

Frank said...

About time you thanked me!

Anyway, something's wrong with my Gayness in that I don't find Brad Pitt attractive. Frankly, he skeeved me out.

"Just the one cup, though. Grin."? Right over the head!

Miss Mish said...

Will Vote For Gin