Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Windy Cassocks

This week, I've been signing a lot of petitions.

The first one was against Bindi Irwin, the child of late crocodile-botherer Steve Irwin. Not because I think her being pushed into the spotlight is cruel and opportunistic, and flagrant child labour. But because her being pushed into the spotlight is cruel because she's so damn ugly.

The second one was to endorse the Equality Bill that's heaving itself through Parliament at the moment. It's a Bill to allow everyone of a different sexuality equal rights in all matters of business and commerce. Brilliant, you may think. Well clearly not the men of the cloth who would be out burning effigies of drag queens if only they could afford the sequins.

To which we have to ask ourselves, why do Christians hate we gays so much?

Is it because we took their slogan of 'loving your fellow man' and ran with it?

For a section of people who are trying to promote world peace and brotherly love, they're a bunch of miserable, xenophobic, homophobic zealots, aren't they? Several high-placed people in the church have stepped forward and condemned this Equality Bill, claiming that it's wrong and people can't practice their beliefs correctly. Churches are uniting to close orphanages in case the children get placed with gay couples, and are baying that Christian printers will now have to print gay literature - by law. Good lord, do they know how ridiculous it is? Can you honestly imagine that we'd deliberately go to a Christian printers to get our 'propaganda' (their words) printed? No, we'd support our own. And only go to them if we were printing lots of humongous cocks, as that'd really blow the wind up their cassocks.

Despite that, we gays have no evil agenda. We really don't. We only exist as a people to pretty the world up a bit and show people that yes you can be a man and moisturise. We don't want to rape your children. We don't want to drug you and have sex with us. The worst we're going to do is bitch about your hair and support bad pop music. That's it. Honestly, there are much more... 'difficult' races out there in the world today, but the Christians won't go near them as they've got guns, beards, and are bigger than them. So all this hatred from them seems to me to be picking on the smaller kids.

And I wish it would stop, although my ideal of world peace is inherited from my old RE teacher, who was convinced we'd all get along marvelously regardless of religion, race or creed, if we all learned to say 'Thank you' and not push in front of each other in the lunch queue. My big bug bear is that Jesus consorted with prostitutes and lepers and seemed fine; you're telling me that any Gentlemen Who Used The Red Sea Mud For A Facepack is below that? Of course, this is all based on the Bible, a book known to have been messed about with in the 12th Century to make it much more misogynistic; maybe the Gentleman Who Wore More Fabulous Togas got short shrift too? Maybe there was a Disciple stricken from history - Damien, the thirteenth Disciple. He's the 'festive' one missing from the Last Supper, the one who supplied the tableware and wouldn't have the bread because he was on a carb-lite diet.

Still, they attack us at every turn; last year's Pride march was besieged by Christians handing out literature about how we should 'turn back to the light'. We would turn back to your light, darlings, but you've always got such hideous lampshades. Seriously, though - you carry on with this and we're going to start turning up outside your churches on a Sunday and start handing out flyers as to why our way is better; more disposable income, better sense of community, and certainly better wardrobes.

Do you know, to put it into perspective, a friend's father blames us gays for everything. Including the fall of the Greek Empire.

Are you kidding? As if we'd destroy an empire that encourages naked Olympics and same-sex bath-houses?

See. The gays. Completely misunderstood.

15 comments:

Nate The Great said...

Well said! And hysterical as usual!

Mr J said...

My god you're so right.
and funny and sexy too.
love it.

Ms C Qrisp said...

Why are your rants so much funnier than mine?

Fuckkit said...

Bindi Irwin. The horror. I'm glad you lot back in Blighty are suffering as much as us in Oz.

Now if only we can convince her that stingrays are fun and cuddly animals...

kleverkloggs said...

If the Gays*TM didn't exist, the right would have to invent them. I do wonder if it is "tolerance" that is the hallmark of cultural collapse. Wasn't it lead plumbing that ended the Roman Empire?

Qenny said...

Lee for Prime Minister!

Andrew said...

Top rant, well said :-)

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I think it's high time the bible had another rewrite - Seems like you're just the man for the job, Lee!

I Love London... Honest! said...

fabulous, fella. fabulous.

Lippy said...

It's just jealousy , sheer jealousy - there are millions of middle aged women out there who would run at top speed to join the gays at any "do" they deigned to invite the girlies to. They'd be tripping over themsleves in the rush.

Would you get any of the desparate housewife /yummy mummy set within 200 yards of a church?

That would be no.

MinCat said...

yes! *fervent applause*

Spike said...

What Ms C Qrisp and Klever Kloggs said.

Also, half of them Christians are so ugly they couldn't get a headjob through a hole in the wall so it's just sour grapes.

Miss Mish said...

Actually, I think you'll find that Damien spent most of the last supper outside with his fag-hag (cos she wasn't invited either) swapping gossip about the Marys....

Pog said...

Wonderfully put, mister ...

DNM said...

Hm. Yes, seriously. The Church could-not-would-not have ever existed with gays a-plenty.

Pick a century in the last 1500 years, minimum:
"Hi. We're all men living together in these things called monasteries, and we, like, wear easy-access robes and stuff, and like to learn and organize and be clean and illuminate manuscripts. We are totally rock hard heteros." [giggles]