Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, February 05, 2007

And Then There Are Space Cassocks...

Sorry I've been gone for so long. But you think that it's a coincidence that Ryan Reynolds has split from fiancée Alanis Morrisette in my absence? I couldn't possibly kiss and tell. Or say whether I'm named in legal proceedings by either party. But - ho! - isn't it ironic, Alanis? Isn't it? Like raaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyynnnee on your wedding day?

Which you're not going to have now are you, woman.

Now. I did want to mention Scientology after last week's post about religions. As religions are responsible for almost every war ever, we have to take our fabulous hats off to the Scientologists for so far not even bothering to pick up arms against anyone. There are two possible reasons for this - one, their faith actually does embrace every single person on this planet (and any planet up there too). Or it's just five people in Hollywood who wouldn't know how to load a gun unless a stuntman did it for them?

Secretly, I do have a soft spot for these people; they're kind of like all those A/V geek school kids who got together and put 'Jedi' as their faith; something they're going to regret whenever they're reminded of it at a school reunion. Yet, here we are, another group of god-and-space-alien-worshippers, and they don't like we Gentlemen Who Like Showtunes. Which, like Alanis says, is ironic as they have just proclaimed Tom Cruise as their Christ figure. Now I'm not going to start casting around any rumours about Mz Cruise - but anyone who chooses to take their edicts from a disipline called 'Dianetics' has to be a little bit fruity. Is it me or does that sound like an exercise video that comes with an infomercial fronted by Diane Sawyer?

And how do they know that space aliens don't like we Gays? As far as we can tell, all space ships are about fairy lights and glitter - we should be embraced! Adored! Exalted! We've all seen 'V' - there's that other Diane (yes, ironic, Alanis) who ate the hamster. She's the biggest fag hag going..!

Although the big worry is that Scientologists haven't taken up arms because they're waiting for the laser pistol and the thermal detonator to be invented. Shudder.

So there we go. Another probing and insightful look at religion. I'll be tackling world hunger next. I suppose I should stick to what I know, silly gay asides about daily life. Like after my trip away, I got back to find our washer's buggered. No idea why or how - it just won't spin. And no amount of cajoling, kicking or tinkering will make it work.

Sigh. I really should get a lesbian in - they're like the horse whisperer when it comes to white goods.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Of course aliens like we of the Gays.

I've never come across* an alien who didn't enjoy giving a good old rectal probing...

* please excuse the pun.

Anonymous said...

I'm only part lesbian, but it sounds to me as if the fan-belt thingy that attaches the cog thingy to the drum has snapped or dislodged.

Ya see, the technical understanding there, just not the knowledge...

Have you tried turning it on?


Seriously though, sympathy. I just went two weeks without one and it was torture...

Anon Dirty said...

From Wikipedia about "Ironic":

In 2004 Morissette amended a lyric as a show of her support for gay marriage: "It's meeting the man of my dreams. And then meeting his beautiful husband.

Now we know who she was referencing. Lucky bastard.

AndyT13 said...

Eh, fuckitty. What the hell is wrong with those gits? No one's come up with anything that dumb since the book of mormon and STILL people are like WOW! THAT'S THE ANSWER! and then they have to go and exclude T3H GHEYS. WTF? GITS.

Qenny said...

Have you ever had your personality assessed by scientologists? Oh, the fun! They told me that I was depressed, and I needed dianetics. I told them in a point by point explanation why their personality test was flawed. They didn't like that, funnily enough.

Loving these insightful posts, Lee. Can you tackle Islamic radicalism after world hunger? (You might want to get some tips from east end drag queen Koran Carpenter.)

Angel City's Devil said...

My boyfriend and I are blessed enough to live right next to the Scientology Celebrity Center in L.A. Let me tell you, it is the fruitiest sect of crazies. Even fruitier than the Mennonites.

Anonymous said...

Now that you have mentioned Diana from 'V' in your blog, I can announce my love for you to the world.

DNM said...

Mormons scare me more, if only for sheer ignorance quotient.

They believe:
- Jesus came to America on a barge.
- The Garden of Eden was at Independence, Missouri.
- It's cool to marry people once they're dead.
- (I'm not even getting into the obvious stuff.)

Spike said...

DNM said:
They believe:
- Jesus came to America on a barge.

God, how unstylish. No wonder they dress like dags.