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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

One A Night

Someone was asking me about the etiquette of the one-night stand.

Only because she'd never done it. It had taken a crowbar to pry her legs apart in college, and when the football captain had finally got his wicked way with her (the lucky cat) they'd practically slammed back shut with the force of a mousetrap.

As Gentlemen Who Have Pretended to Be Stockard Channing Singing 'There Are Worse Things I Could Do' At Least Once In Their Lives, we find it somewhat easier to have 'le petit shag' one supposes. As men, we're genetically geared to spread our seed as much as possible; so get two men together, and the seed's practically going to be crop-sprayed around the room if you know what I'm saying.

But what to do afterwards was the source of conjecture; there's the whole argument about whether you should let them stay over. Personally, I'm against this. Just because of the space issues, and certainly not for the commitment. Wll there's a whole raft of beauty regimes to be done before we Gentlemen can turn in for the night, and you can't really whip out your Nivea Q10 and apply in front of someone you've just convinced you're more manly than Colin Farrell, done by growling during sex, slapping them about a bit and rememberingnot to call them 'dearie' when you're offering them the prerequisite cuppa beforehand.

And besides. Forgive me, but two gentlemen equals twice the mess. At least you can kick them out and stand more chance to find some area of the bed that isn't the wet patch - though in most cases your bedding will look like someone's flicked a bag of melted marshmallows all over your valance.

The argument for letting any passing trade prop up your pillows all night is that you may get another pop at it in the morning. This depends on certain factors that one may take into account beforehand: what if they snore? What if they talk in their sleep? And the cardinal sin, what if they saw you first thing in the morning without your hair done? There is always a sly shuffling to the bathroom first thing of a morning during the first faltering steps into any gay relationship - hair is done, spots covered and teeth cleaned, all to pop back under the duvet to appear to wake fresh as a pansy. Do you really want to go to all that effort for someone you've picked up in your local supermarket. Not even a bar. The beans isle of your Aldi.

Saying all this, there is one factor that'll sways this for me: penis size. Now I'm not a size queen by any length (ha!) but isn't it nice to find one that just... well, fits? Oh, I've had some cocks in my time that have been far too big. One... I didn't know whether to suck it or throw it over my shoulder like a kicky shawl. Those gentlemen are shown the door pretty sharpish with their tail literally between their legs. Indeed, to get rid of said shag, always follow up with 'Oh no, you don't have to go'. Phrase in the same manner as being confronted by a Big Issue vendor, or maybe Charlene Spiteri begging for her life. They'll get the message.

After all that, my friend from college was somewhat agog by this; the mere idea of 'coming and going' just didn't sit with her at all. She wanted romance, flowers, and considered any man who even saw her in her sports bra to be considering engagement, or at least a long dating period including a viewing of one or more of Drew Barrymore's romantic comedies.

I said she was the sick one.

And that's coming from me: I don't mind what they do as long as they roll my nightie back down once they've done, and left £50 in Luncheon Vouchers on the sideboard.


Qenny said...

Stockard Channing? Thank you! I thought I was the only one, now I know I'm not alone.

Anon Dirty said...

But how do you get them out? I usually feel obliged to, well, feel them first.

Imogen said...

I offer to make mine breakfast, and remember to call them dearie in the morning. This tends to make them run for the door, but I can't think why.

Now, Lee. £50 you say. Is that false modesty?

Tickersoid said...

Two wet patches, that hadn't occured to me before.
No wonder all the gay's I know don't bother to unplug the hair dryer.

ratkins45 said...

My hair always seems to look better in the morning. I'm great at the bed head look. :)

Miss Mish said...

Well what's wrong with the 'saddle it up and ride it home' type? More to play with in my opinion although I'm not overly keen on that John Wayne walk you do the next day....
I have slept with a man who giggled in his sleep. Bloody critic....