Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

To Baldly Go

When someone says 'come and see Britney shaved!' you normally expect some dodgy pap shot of her minge as it is dragged across the floor of some limo. But not this time - the girl's finally gone mad.

Now, we Gentlemen Who Can't Catch do like a faded idol. Although there are rules to this, which I shall explain in a moment. In this case lets take Dame Britney (though you'd need a pick-up truck if you were going to take her far these days). A few years back, she was a top-of-her-game pop princess. Could get away wearing PVC outfits in videos and singing songs about being so bored with being a star. Her with Madonna; oh we lapped it up like a lesbian in a fish restaurant. But then, there's a weird tipping point where her antics off stage become more interesting than her PVC pop productions; where nobody is really buying her records because they want to see whether she'll drop her son on his head again as she runs down a hotel corridor.

We, the Gentlemen, do forgive such things. We have a bit more of a tolerance for fallen ladies of pop (else why else would be Dannii Minogue be buzzing around the gay clubs desperate to perform? We're the only ones who'll give her the time of day) so any shenanigans with an unfaithful husband and a bit of drink and we're all going to clutch our pearls and go 'Oh we know honey, we know...' We like a bit of drama. A bit of pathos. A bit of oh-no-my-husband's-run-away-with-a-stripper, tell-you-what-I'll-release-a-kicking-pop-tune-in-retaliation. Do this, and you're well on your way to capturing the gay's hearts. But with Britney, she didn't take that step. In fact, she didn't even break off her relationship so we, her adoring public, got tired with her marriage before she did.

The painful exception to the Gays Loving A Faded Diva rule is one who comes back with a dramatic new look and a big cloud of expectation, only to fall back into wherever they came from. For example, Whitney. She's making her Big Comeback every time she manages to buy some new wigs and get her false teeth in. You're dangerously close to being a bit Paris Hilton here; she is Schrodinger's Celebrity - someone who doesn't exist unless a camera is pointed at her. We hope that one day, the clutch of photographers following her around will turn away all at once and she'll disappear with a puff and a cry of 'I'll get you, my pretties'.

The rule is you only get one stab at a comeback every ten years. Dame Britney should 'retire' for a few years, go back to the simple life. Then burst back in her mid-thirties as a high-haired diva singing about how fucking awful men are, but she'll give 'em a try. Oh we'll lap that up.

Though she should definitely not try and trade on being sexy. She's gone waaay too far the other way. When she first started out, there was a schoolgirl mystique about her that had the paedophiles across the States rubbing their trousers and hanging around the Girl Guide huts. But she will never be sexy again. Never. Every man who fantasised about her school-girl charm are now far too intimately acquainted too many shots of her chugging a Pepsi and waddling to her SUV in sweats; the idea of her being a chubby, drunken cock-vaulting harlot who's popped out a couple of sprogs. Her minky's going to look like a ripped-out fireplace. Not that enticing, is it?

So, Britney, we'll hopefully see you in a few years. And if you flash anything that's shaved, we'll have to see you ten years after that, won't we? Hmm?


Owen Blacker said...

"Schrodinger's Celebrity". What a fantastic turn of phrase!

Though I don't see how we can love Whitney when the faded crack whore turned Bobby Brown from this stud-muffin into this!

Dickon said...

Oh, yes, the young Mr Brown. This record sleeve of his made me the man I'm not today:

A euphemism I'm fond of, by the way, is Gentlemen Who Buy Theatre Tickets.

tornwordo said...

a ripped out fireplace, lolol.

Snooze said...

If only you were Britney's publicist.

Jams said...

Spike said...

God, she had a gorgeous arse at the top of her game. Fucking gorgeous. Sigh.

Qenny said...

I hadn't read any blogs for a while, but was delighted to catch up with yours, Lee - the fantabulous line quotient in this post is way almost too high to bear!