Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

The Tooth Will Out

I just lost a crown while on the treadmill at the gym.

Nothing to do with teeth. An actual crown.

I'm kidding, I did actually loose half a tooth. There I was, chewing away at a power bar when I thought 'This is a little on the crunchy side for a delicious, high-protein work-out enhancer' when the next thing I know, my chewing action sounds like a horse on gravel and there's a hole in my molar you could fit celebrity porker Joaquin Phoenix through. I went through the usual panic very quickly: was I meant to put the tooth in milk to save it? Well, I'd accidentally swallowed most of it, and besides, we'd only got soya milk in, and frankly that's got the use and viscosity of your fourth ejaculation of the day. You know - mostly water with slightly lumpy bits to it.

The bit that I did cough up, some part of me wanted to put it under my pillow as I dialled the local dentist. Mostly to see what cash kids are getting these days - it was 20p when I was a youngster. Is the tooth fairy index-linked? Parents, feel free to comment on what you leave your kids. Me, I've never believed in the tooth fairy anyway after one night when my mother was trying to retrieve my milk teeth late one night and making such a botch of it she woke me up. And these days, the only fairies I have in my bedroom tend to be the ones that wipe their cock on my valance when they're done and leave a £50 on the side, not a shiny new coin and a note to stop eating chocolate. Although one punter did say that to me once. So I hit him with his zimmer and stole his pension book and bought more ice-cream. Hey, what goes around...

So now I've got a temporary filling and a slight swelling to the gum. But as always when you have something foreign in your mouth, you can't help but probe it with your tongue (and by 'foreign' I've had French, German, Spanish, Eskimo - the whole set) So as I sit, dictating this to you from my glamorous chaise-lounge, I can only think of long afternoons ahead of me, with my handsome dentist leaning over my prone body with his tool in his hand, telling me he's going to drill me to within an inch of my life.

If I were wearing pearls, I would clutch them.


(pause)

Bet you're all wondering what an Eskimo's like in bed, ain't ya?

Grin.

9 comments:

Bob said...

Re: 2nd paragraph ...

You coughed up watery ejaculate? Darling, you have bigger problems than brittle bridgework.

Andy said...

Gentlemen that clutch imaginary pearls, now that has a ring to it.

Mark said...

Actually, yes, Iam intrigued I don't know anyone else who has slept with an Eskimo. Do they really kiss with their noses?

AdamW72 said...

Go the whole hog and get the full denture set. The opportunities for gum jobs would be huge....
Imagine the change you'd get from your clients then - enough to pay the paper boy and give the postman a decent Christmas tip. Might even have some left to buy a curly whurly on the journey home.
The teeth could be grounded into your very own pearl necklace - and one that doesn't have the faint whiff of baking soda and non-scented Domestos

I Love London... Honest! said...

I see your Eskimo and raise you half-Welsh, half-Peruvian.

Giving Voice said...

Look after yourself - teeth can be a great problem!

Best Wishes,

G.V. x

Wanton Wonton said...

of course! what IS an eskimo like in bed?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

What's an Eskimo like in bed? In u, it seems...

Qenny said...

An rather generously endowed acquaintance of mine had an eskimo in bed. Said the fellow went into a kind-of meditative state as he attempted to relax and, erm, get in the saddle.

The most delicious, high-protein work-out enhancers tend to have little postcards around the gym advertising their personal training services, I find.