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Monday, March 26, 2007

The Milky Bar Kid Is Strong And Tough

Now, there's much twittering on these shores about Daniel Radcliffe all of a sudden.

I'd never did think much of him I have to say. You mention Daniel Radcliffe and I think of that hideous poster for the first Harry Potter film where his bowl-cut is enough to scare any passing paedophile back to his DVDs of S Club Juniors. No matter that he's 17 now; my mind still strays back to that nasty haircut looming out at me at a tube station in the middle of the night. The horror, the horror. I blame the whole thing on my three years of insomnia, and insistence that hair straighteners be kept away in a two-hundred foot exclusion zone.

Flash forward to the present day: I was on the tube one evening when I peered over someone's shoulder to check the newspaper they were carrying. And there he was, muscled to the nines, showing that bit of hair between the navel and the pubic region which is oft called 'a treasure trail' in some romanticised gay porn novels; a 'crab ladder' in the one wot I wrote. 'Daniel Radcliffe Gets Naked!' it proclaimed.

I tell you, I almost dropped my Travelling Vodka when I saw them.

Almost.

I've never thought of him as being a sexual being before; for goodness sake, he was born in 1989. I can remember that year; I had taken to wearing waistcoats and 'being eccentric' in a push to be individual, little knowing that this was exactly what every proto-arty-gay was doing. He was still in nappies when I was learning exactly what my lecturer meant when he said I needed 'extra credit'. So we thought we'd go and see him, large as life. It'd be rude not to, after all.

It turns out 'large as life' was almost correct; he's a tiny dot of a man. Five foot five, apparently. Peaking at the dizzying heights of Tom Cruise. When he walked on stage topless, he was almost as large as the picture I'd seen on the tube.

"It's Harry..!" hissed a teenage girl a few rows back, clearly excited. I'm not sure whether there was a 'minimum age' for the play; in fact I'm not really sure of the audience. It mostly seemed to be teenage girls clutching Griffendor ringbinders, a scattering of Gentlemen Who Like The Arts - some of whom were nodding seriously and wearing their jumpers draped over their shoulders in order to try getting away with turning up just to see some teenage cock. And a couple of bored usherettes scratching their armpits with the souvenir programmes - I decided not to get one in the end. There was an overwhelming whiff of Linx about them even from a distance.

By the interval, the other conclusions I had come to were Daniel Radcliffe really isn't a stage actor of note; his delivery is very unnatural and fast; he knows what line's coming next and he's going to steamroller it on as soon as the other actor has finished their line with no pause or reaction. I also discovered that Jenny Agguter looks marvellous in a nicely-ironed grey trouser suit, and was trying her best despite a stinker of a cold. And finally Will Kemp could possibly be my new favourite thing - even dressed in horsey brown suede. Especially dressed in horsey brown suede. Now I'm not one for fetishes - I like my sex straight forward and my foreplay to be as simple as someone picking up the tab then ordering me a taxi - but there was something slightly... naughty about him in his get-up. I may have to examine this further by sitting on a suede sofa and looking through The White Company's spring/summer catalogue - my other idea of foreplay.

By the end of the second act, the dreaded trouserless scene had occurred and I fancy a sexual revelation of a different matter was occurring three rows back. The young girl who'd hissed 'It's Harry..!' at the start of the show was now presented by the sight of Radcliffe getting undressed. His female co-star was also getting 'sky-clad'; how terrible do you think it is for her to be completely overshadowed by Radcliffe's todger each time she drops her knickers? I gave her a supportive glance as her brassiere was thrown off stage, then averted my gaze back to Radcliffe in case I got an eyeful of her minky. Because if you do that you have to get married and like Coldplay, and stuff like that - it's true, I tell you.

But then his knickers came off. It may have been cold in there, is all I shall say. But then... "Oh..." came the cry from the girls a few rows back. It wasn't a cry of exclamation. It wasn't one of surprise or longing. It felt like a slow realisation about something... I fancied that the snap I then heard was her pelvis moving into place and any second now a hymen would be pinged over my right ear.

Oh yes. I thank heaven that we were a few rows back. Rows A-D were relabelled 'the shallow end' by the standing ovation.

14 comments:

CyberPete said...

Thank you for the heads up about the minky. I wasnt aware.

Gaymosexual said...

I particularly like Will Kemp in THIS video ;)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=41R8HRzqAjQ&search=Will%20Kemp

Nomes said...

Travelling Vodka

I am unashamedly stealing that as payment for making me snort green tea (with blackberry) out of my nose.

Qenny said...

Oh very dear!

I've seen the posters, and thought that he was looking toned, but muscled to the nines? Hmm. Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity is my gold standard for thesps getting buffed, and little Daniel doesn't even make it onto the starting grid, I'm afraid.

And doesn't his crab ladder (love that) look ... well, vaginal?

Nick said...

I had those little binoculars out at the crucial moment and I still had to squint to make out either a) any definition to his body, and b) the all important magic wand. Tres, tres disappointing...

I Love London... Honest! said...

Bravo, Sir! Excellent blog, bloody marvellous :)

Peach said...

"I like my sex straight, and my foreplay to be as simple as someone picking up the tab and ordering me a taxi"

Utterly the best thing I've ever heard and I will use it and quote you forever.

Fan

Tas

Tic

New Devoted Fan xxx

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I hope that hymen didn't have your eye out?

Lawks, that made me laugh!

Then I got to the "shallow end" bit and my ruddy had nearly came off!

Splendid show!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Ruddy head. Head! Not had.

* tuts *

Can't get the staff. Honestly, you flay them to within an inch of their lives and they still insist on making silly mistakes.
Another one for the waste disposal unit, I think...

mike said...

Post of the Week! Congratulations...

I Love London... Honest! said...

Oh, you win, I only get nommed.

Ya bastard.

I'm going to kill you on Thursday.

The Freelance Cynic said...

My boyfriend keeps getting me to go see this for the Naked Daniel Radcliffe seen. Hopefully I can talk him out of it after reading this.

shame though really, I read Equus as a kid and it's quite an amazing story...

JohnnyFox said...

Excellent crit of Equus. And who knew Harry Potter was Jewish?

;-0

mike said...

This post has been shortlisted for Post of the Year. Best of luck...