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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Zombies and Drills

Oh, darling viewer, I've been in the wars of late.

I dunno what I've done to my leg, but the muscle halfway up my right calf is uncomprehendingly sore. I haven't banged it or done anything untoward - but it is in the place where I cross my legs. So I can only assume I must have gone to sleep with my legs cross and lay on it for hours. How very gay.

Although the more I think about it, it is utter madness as I've always assumed that I've slept with my legs at, well, ten-to-two. Or quarter to three in some cases. In fact, I think one of my ex's wired me up to the clapper once just so he could watch my legs scissor open and closed when he applauded at 3am because he was bored.

Add to this the literal fall-out of my dental appointment yesterday, where I was seen to by my handsome dentist's fishwife of an associate, who mauled around my mouth like one of those gentlemen who believe their tongues should be punching your tonsils as a mean of sexual gratification. Oh she was rough; made even more arduous as I had to stare up at her cheap, gummy make-up for 30 minutes and not be able to say anything. She'd numbed my mouth, see. Well, in some haphazard way so most of the anaesthetic had shot down the back of my throat, leaving me gagging while she tortured me. Oh yes, I'd quite forgotten what it was like as the last time I needed a filling was as a teenager. There I was with an unpleasant taste in my mouth and what felt like a strange, limp piece of meat where my tongue was.

Come to think about it, it was like the drunken end of every Saturday night at college! Zing!

But what the culmination of this was my good self staggering out of the dentists, limping along with half my face paralysed. It was like I'd been set upon by that walking cadaver Kirsten Dunst and had the life sucked out of me. Seriously. The woman looks more like a dead-eyed flesh-eating zombie as days go by. It's like she was reanimated by some school kids for the first Spiderman and someone forgot to put a stake through her heart at the end of filming.

So my right side is completely useless. Now I know what a stroke victim feels like. Who's been mugged for £265 quid. Wee!


Qenny said...

Somehow I don't believe a word of it when you say that the last time you felt in need of a filling was when you were a teenager.


Owen Blacker said...

What Qenny said.

And I don't for a moment believe you still have a gag reflex.


Inexplicable DeVice said...

Well, it could be worse:You could be Helen Daniels.

And she's dead.

Isn't she? Does she know Kirsten?

Megan said...

I strongly dislike anaesthetic at the dentist's.. if only for the reason that I am unable to stop myself from drooling uncontrollably for roughly twenty minutes after whatever dental ordeal I have suffered.
I am sure I would not find this all too horrible if my dentist's office were not located in the middle of a busy shopping center.

Alice said...

oh darling, you need a different dentist.

go to one who gives you laughing gas. you can still find them. totally changes the experience...!