Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Hollywood Wives

Scarlet Johannson.

Not only does she reminds me of those fish that stick themselves to the side of tanks, but she's been linked to yet another man this week. Yes, yes - another one. Clearly the woman's got a 'You Must Be THIS High To Go On The Rollercoaster' sign outside her bedroom door and a mimsy like a bulldog eating porridge.

This I barely have a problem with. This I would normally applaud. But now the bitch has her fake nails into Ryan Reynolds and so this is personal. Why not any other man? Well, clearly she's had the rest of them as barely a day's gone by where she hasn't been 'romantically linked' (or E! Television speak for 'stuffed another victim up her oily gash') with someone. She's even been 'dining a the Y', apparently going for some lady-on-lady action too. Which is just greedy, frankly. The woman must have been exposed to so many pubes that she must be hacking up pubic hair-balls every 30 minutes. Thus begging the question: is there anything she doesn't like up her flue? Or is it that even if someone so much as mentions "nipples" and she's writhing around with her snatch dripping like a fucked fridge.

Not that I'm bitter (Ryan, I've sent your agent my mobile number, my beeper and my office number - call me) for our love will without. So he'll have his bit of fun, almost touch the sides, then come home to me with his tail between his legs. Or mine, but only after he's given it a good scrub to get the tide-mark off.

And speaking of voluminous 'wizard's sleeves', the paternity suit of Anna Nicole's spawn has been settled. And rather disappointingly, it turns out that it's her ex-boyfriend's. Wouldn't it be somewhat more fitting, and somewhat more her if it had turned out to be Warren Beatty's. Or Buster Keaton's. Or Thor, God of Thunder, who had been passing her pink mansion late one night, smashed up on Bud and thinking "Man, I gotta get me some ass..! Hey, maybe Anna Nicole'd put out..." and the result would be this hybrid god-child that could shoot lightning out its fingers and spend it's time lying around at home whining "I don' wanna..! I wan' the one wit' all the butter on it... gimme the one wit' the butter!"

See, I like Anna Nicole. I think I'd even be fine with her having a bit of Ryan action. Mostly because while it was happening, she'd be doped out of her head with her eyes rolling backwards, so it could be anyone going at her and she'd just come 'round and think she'd spilt ice-cream soda in her lap or something. And he'd have to strap a plank to his back to avoid falling in anyway, and where's the romance in that, hmm?


Snooze said...

Lee, I'm sure Ryan is only doing it for publicity. He'll be at your door soon enough.

Qenny said...

Yes, I'm sure Ryan has far too much taste to get jiggy with someone who got a pearl necklace off Colin Firth.

Oh, hang on, it was a pearl ear ring.

Suddenly had a very "Something About Mary" image just then.

Gonzo said...

Im right there with you against Scarlett. I saw her the other day in Piccadilly Circus, when she was still with Josh Hartnett. He was twice as tall as her, so she was easy to hide amongst the crowds.
... and why did she leave him in the first place?
Anyway, far too greedy for me. She is clearly lost in translation, still!