Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


Oh, darling viewer, the sun is shining, moods are gay, and another one of the Spice Girls has spawned!

What? No, of course it wasn't the Sporty one. Don't be silly - it's been a while since she's been 'romantically linked' to anyone, isn't it? Even the gays won't touch her these days - have you seen that fringe she's sporting (ha!) now? I did the same with my Girls World when I was five years old with a pair of round-ended scissors and a fistful of bile after my mother refused to buy me the Wonder Woman outfit I'd seen. Poor love, she can currently be seen mugging to the camera on every morning television show; worth setting the video for as they crying look of desperation in her eyes. Buy this, she pleads. Buy this pedestrian version of 'I Want Candy'. I have nothing else in my life.

We really should call her Barren Spice.

Well, don't buy it, dear viewer. The only reason they're all still buzzing around the Porch of Fame like misguided moths is they keep holding out for a solo career. And when that fails, then comes the reunion tour. Which again will fail, and then we shall be free - FREE! - of their tyrannical reign! Oh no, we should not be grateful for their reunion. Where were they when we needed them? Where were they when serious electropop came along? WHERE WERE THEY WHEN COLDPLAY WERE A LUNG-DEFLATING LY BORING IDEA IN CHRIS MARTIN'S DEAD EYES?

Oh yes, we Gentlemen Who Moisturise have very long memories indeed. Except when it comes to the faces of the men we've had dalliances with, which is why I've never been to an orgy. Too many visages to recall.

Oh yes. It may indeed surprise you, dear viewer, that I've never been to one. Certainly not one of those tawdry suburban ones where they think they're making an effort by vacuuming the pelmet and changing the pot pourri to something '"a little more arousing" like 'Tropical Spice'. One always hopes they've tidied away their nick-nacks before some overly-eager participant decides to ram a Lilliput Lane where the sun don't shine.

I declined to go, dear viewer. To be honest I get the most horrid stage fright, and I do get confused what goes where with Twister - and some one's telling me what to do there.

Anyway. It's Mel B who's dropped another one out her bomb doors. And with the previous one called Phoenix Chi, we're hoping the new one will also be named like a lesbian tea beverage.


Howard said...

You surprise me, you really do. I'd have thought you'd have been hosting orgies for the masses!

Spike said...

The trouble with orgies, as well as the aforementioned pot pourri and knicknacks, is they're full of fugly desperadoes who only wash once a month and exes you vowed never to shag again if your life depended on it.

And on the subject of Stupid Names For Sprogs, I recommend you finish lunch before going here:

Tickersoid said...

You're right they do get full of themselves only to discover too late, that it's all over.

Qenny said...

From Scary's thoughtless dumping by Eddie Murphy to Geri's desperate effort to cling to celebrity. (And let's not even mention Baby's solo efforts.)

Where did all the girl power go?

At least if Dyke Spice came out she would get brownie points for finally growing some balls. So to speak.

AndyT13 said...

Lesbian Tea Beverage...HAHAHAHAHA!
You priceless git, you! You never write me any more! Have a offended? A thousand pardons if so...

Gonzo said...

Congrats on your blog.
One of the very best Ive seen around here.

Steve said...


Really, you couldn't make it up.