Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, May 21, 2007


Aaaaand now I'm back. From Outer Spain.

Hello everyone! Lovely to see you again. A huge thanks to Dicky for taking over while I was away; as he bends over to pick up his satchel, why don't we give him a warm hand on his exit? I seem to recall him being quite fond of that, all those years ago...

I suppose you want tales of which waiter I was giving the glad eye to, don't you? Well, none of that sort of thing went on; I was very careful to keep my hand on my ha'penny, thankyouverymuch. Though I did get more than a knowing wink from some dolly gentleman on the flight over; some space fairy in a polyester one-piece handing out coffees. I really must get that t-shirt made with 'I Don't Do Staff' on it, to ward them off. Or just a swatch of natural fibres to wave at them so they run away yelping, like chimps shown a naked flame.

Ahem. Anyway you can tell you're approaching middle age when you're willing to pay just that little bit extra for a flight that is at a reasonable hour. You get a much better functionary too. Now I'm grateful for the air industry - and indeed the hair industry - for being so kind to we Gentlemen Who Think That Mirrorballs Can Be A Viable Decorating Option. But it's true to say that the nicer ones do travel on the more expensive flights. While the night-shift tend to be the parrot-haired goblins with that special kind of moisturised sheen that only we gays can muster; they exude Nivea like trees seep sap.

The plane back was also hideous at ungodly o'clock in the morning, but for a different reason: in front of us were three screeching nail technicians from Essex who had that special kind of hair that you get on Spanish holidays caused by too much sunshine and too much chlorine. The final result was as if they'd gone past a straw donkey and thought 'Oh wow! Hairpiece!' Seriously, I was considering just grabbing a handful and pulling to see whether it was as brittle as Britney's sanity; it did look like it was going to fall to pieces any second.

But now back, and on to the routine. I've had to extend my gym workout by half an hour to get back in shape after living on ice-cream for a week. It's true what they say - a moment in the mouth, a month on the hips.

If only the same was true of Ryan Reynolds.


Anonymous said...

Welcome back!
Now it's back to skies the colour of Great Auntie Ingrid's skin and drizzle that caresses your hair into a terrifying matted fluff. Aww, good to be home, no?

AndyT13 said...

You're back! Your front!
I believe that saying goes "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips." Or maybe that's just how the ladyfolk say it here in the states. You know, there's something odd about being called a "Yank". I'm more of a stroke really. Ah, whateva. Welcome back!

JohnnyFox said...

"in front of us were three screeching nail technicians"

oooh ... seats three in a row ... that spells ECONOMY

What's it like?