Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

She's Got The Range, Darling

Every now and again, I do get the strangest and most wonderful things in my in-box. Well, naturally excluding the offers to father a child (lesbians - no!. Do I have to hit you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper?) But yesterday both surpassed and excelled itself: there, peeking over the offers to make money from a South African bankrolling operation, was Dame Shirley Bassey singing a cover of Pink's 'Get The Party Started'.

Dame Shirl is known in the business as a 'veteran performer' - meaning she's probably wearing a wig and is a right ol' bitch, darling. Hell, these days she's probably just dust held together with Rimmel and hate. I once got the mad opportunity to see her perform live once after I'd ligged into a corporate event - one of those where the company wants to show how lucrative it is by airlifting in a celeb for three songs at a cost of £750,000. She stormed on stage right, continued to the microphone, opened her mouth and then - without breaking her pace - carried on walking all the way off stage-left. Fortunately she'd left her microphone on, so we could all hear her yell "I can't get these fucking false eyelashes open, darling!" behind the curtain. You have to admire such professionalism; in fact I've just spent a good half-hour searching for the famous clip of her on YouTube where she's performing at some ITV thing and she is announced, the orchestra strikes up and she comes on stage... and freezes. The presenter has to go and grab her, but all the while she's looking in horror at the set (which contains a little pool and a bridge to the main stage) and repeatedly muttering into his lapel "You didn't tell tell me there was going to be water! You didn't tell tell me there was going to be water!"

All I shall say is we all know vampires can't cross running water.

Despite the fact that she can't get openings right, Dame Shirl does have a voice that can strip paint at 40 paces and her version of 'Get The Party Started' is a wonder to hear. It first appeared in an M&S advert last Christmas, clearly when some gay man exploded all over the pitch document. As a sidebar, I have to say I love this ad, but darling Erin O'Connor - the model who first appears and is as wooden as my gorgeous new Heals coffee table - used to go to my school two years below me. Now I can't legitimately claim that she's got my career, but all I shall say is that you can hide your roots, Erin, but we all know your terrible secret, dear. With your sister being ginger, we're all placing bets on your cuffs and collars matching. Oh yes.

(Lovely dye job, by the way.)

Anyway. The song. Brilliant for many ways: it sounds like its been grabbed and dipped in a Bond score before exploding in a pop-tacular way that all the kids will love. Things that are hilarious in it:

1) 'Cruising through the west side'. Dame Shirley doesn't cruise, she sashays. And the west side of where, exactly? I know the west side of Swansea can be a bit rough, but she's more than likely talking about that bit of Selfridges isn't she now? You know, where the sale rack is. Although, come to think of it, it's like the start of 'Saving Private Ryan' around there on pension day, so perhaps she has a point...

2) 'I can go for miles, if you know what I mean'. I hope I don't know what you mean, Dame Shirl. I don't want to imagine you in any particular sexual situation, so I'm choosing to imagine that you do indeed go for miles, but for a special offer on cat food like ordinary people of your advanced age.

1) And of course, Dame Shirley 'coming up'. Can you imagine her on ecstasy? Fucking hilarious! She'd probably cough discretely before demanding 15 bottles of mountain-snow water is airlifted in for her. And then throwing some wicked shapes.

For you mere morals, you can listen to it on Dame Shirley Bassey's MySpace page (words I never thought I'd ever write) and it's the second song down on her list. I must admit I did a special sex wee when I heard it the first time, so all you gays out there, do put a tarpaulin down before clicking - or at the very least, have a handy wet-wipe to hand. Just a friendly warning, darlings!


Cav said...

Some of us non-gays are excited by this too you know. Or perhaps I'm just very in tune with my camp side...

Cav said...

OK, now I've had to by the 'Shaken and Stirred' mix of the Living Tree. Now all they need to do is produce a Bond movie for it.

Leonie said...

So Erin might want to be checking out then...


Rob said...

What gets me most of all is the way Shirl giggles when she sings "kissing my ass".

Yeah, like you're still that coy and innocent, luv.

Qenny said...


"dust held together with Rimmel and hate"

You do have the most amazing way with words. Not to mention your ability to make me spit out rooibush tea.

Spike said...

What Quenny said.