Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Well Healed

We all have our Lourdes, a place where we go to be healed. And for me, it was the Girls Aloud gig this weekend gone.

One should not dismiss the healing power of Girls Aloud - it is said that one glance from Nadine can make the lame walk, and one look from Cheryl can make a toilet attendant run the four-minute mile. For us, fifteen minutes in and the Boy's contact lenses had stopped giving him gyp, and three boys in headscarves behind us were yelling their cancer had gone into remission during the interval. I just thought they were going for the whole Norma Desmond look.

We'd got there early and managed to see some of the band equipment being unloaded, included a couple of boxes labelled 'Nicola' - who, for the uninitiated, is the ginger one who we all think is a robot. She was probably in those boxes herself, having been taken apart at the end of each gig and transported from venue to venue, snap-fit together just before she's due on stage, like a russet Borg Queen. In fact this Nicola has been upgraded, and can do singing and dancing at the same time now. Oh there's still a hydraulic hiss whenever she kicks her leg up, and they still haven't fixed the eyes, but she's better than the model that was on the last tour. That one spazzed out whenever it got too near to the cameras and couldn't get over the door sills.

There was a horrid moment when she tried to 'Mariah Carey' some of the notes during 'Life Got Cold' and it went a bit wrong. The Boy leaned over and said 'Syntax error' and nodded sagely, causing me to spray 7-Up over the row in front. They didn't care; bar the gays, the place was filled with Women Of A Certain Age who perpetually look like they're on a hen night, and the two blond bits in the row in front of us were having a riot, dancing in that way women over thirty do: arms swinging low like session backing singers and doing a step-step-bob, step-step-bob. And when the Girls announced they were going to do a Dirty Dancing medley, there was screams of happiness from the row in front and, one suspects, a small amount of wee too.

Other band member Sarah looked marvellous (bar an unfortunate wig during three numbers that looked as convincing as any rug Brittney's been sporting lately) and ditto for Nadine and Cheryl. Kimberly, who incidentally is the one who always gets dropped for a magazine cover as often as Nicola when they only want three girls on, did not look her best. She's got a new hairstyle that, when brushed back as it was, made her look like Aughra from The Dark Crystal when she was underlit. When she waved at three kids near us, they burst into tears and asked who the monster was who'd eaten Kimberly.

The concert finished with a rousing chorus of 'Biology' and a promise that they'd be back next year, apparently scotching all the rumours of them splitting up in the autumn. It would be lovely, but this was a Greatest Hits tour, the girls looked a little tired and Nicola needs new treads. So we'll believe it when we see it. The Boy and I sloped off into the night, but not before nipping near the back of the venue and seeing whether Nicola was bluetooth compatible. We're not sure, but I think we got her to walk into a wall at one point...


Anonymous said...

*Beams at the Dark Crystal reference*
To be likened to Aughra is an honour and a blessing. The spindly hands; the remarkable sagging breasts; the twenty-something hippy covertly manoeuvring a stick up your rear.
Kimberly's a lucky gal.

CyberPete said...

I had something witty all typed, involving Asimo and Madge and then blogger decided to have a tantrum.

Then I had a tantrum so now you get this. sorry.

Anonymous said...

laugh out loud about Nicola! The whole robot theory explains everything! maybe her ginga minge is just a bit of rust kicking in!

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Your Boy is a one. Syntax error, indeed. If I'd been drinking 7-Up it would have been sprayed, too.
As it was, I was drinking wine, so there's no way I was wasting a single drop!

Qenny said...

Why would anyone want to do a Mariah? I'll never forgive her for spoiling "Without You". I'm very glad Nicola's upgrade hasn't allowed her to carry that off - one Mariah is one too many for the world as it is.