Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I was moving the Boy this weekend; a two-day celebration as he finally moved out of that seemingly gay-only situation of living with his ex. This means I can stay over without petty arguments and me drawing moustaches on pictures of the ex - who I lovingly refer to as 'the Also-Ran'. I mean, I'd draw moustaches on the photos of the ex's mother scattered about the place, but she really doesn't need any of my help.

Oh yes, I did everything to help - lifting, moving, cleaning - the lot. Admittedly it was not the first weekend I've spent on my knees, working away, but it was the first where I'd come back covered in Cillit Bang and with housemaid's knee. And I tell you, dear reader, that's love that is because it's simply perilous at my age and I may never do the one-two-splits in the am-dram production of Bernard Shaw's 'The Dark Lady of Sonnets' again. Well, its very integral to the final act of the first half I think you'll find.

"What I like about you," said the Boy as we sat around in his lovely new lounge "is that you're creative. You're always thinking of the details." I think meaning that while he was lifting the heavy stuff I was thinking about where his Lichtenstein prints would catch the morning light the best. Well, yes I've always been creative, I suppose, but at the moment the word has all sorts of connotations. Some of them not pleasant.

I mean my day job is a graphic designer. Oh lord, please don't tell the tax people; I'm registered as playing the piano in a brothel as the tax cuts are marvellous. And with typical poor timing, I just told my mother that my day job actually involves earning a living with crayons, rather than hammering out 'Knees Up Mother Brown' when some client comes out particularly victorious. In a typical motherly way, she now thinks I'm responsible for every piece of design going at the moment, including that shocking TISWAS logo that we have for the 2012 Olympic games.

As a result she keeps ringing me up and asking what the hell I was drinking the night before I came up with that. It's taken several irate phone calls to state that I'd have gone nowhere near that logo, my loves. It wards off designers like garlic to a vampire.

We did get chatting about what I would have done if I'd got the chance. We narrowed it down to a few options: firstly I'd have taken the money and ran. Faaaar away.Secondly, I'd have just spent the time sketching the male swim team in their Speedos for inspiration, you understand. Or thirdly, I'd have just drawn a big red circle with a line through it in a 'Keep Away, Boring Sport'-inspired motif. I mean, gays and sport? We know nothing. That's why they gave it to the straight designers and it came out like someone had tipped a load of neon Fuzzy Felts on the crazy glue.

Of course creative types beget creativity, although recently someone asked me whether I was 'creative' in bed. Clearly I didn't know what to say, but the answer he was not expecting was "Well I've done wonders with bolster pillows and I find an accent on the valance really brings out your Laura Ashley..." It turns out apparently we 'creative types' are well known for throwing ourselves into the deep end of sin. With Pride coming up, you're expected to be out there in a pair of arseless leather chaps with all sorts of things clasped to anything that dangles.To be honest I wouldn't know what a nipple clamp was. If one came to me in the post, I'd just assume that Heals had sent through a new sample of the picture holder that they're stocking.

No, these days I get my kicks from full-fat yogurt and damn the consequences!

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A huge shout out to Cameron (was it Cameron? I apologise if not - I was several sheets to the wind on neat rum by that point) who came over and introduced himself and shook my hand on Friday night, saying he was an avid reader. Made my night that did. Aww.


Qenny said...

Full-fat yoghurt - I'm so with you there. Finally, a guilty pleasure that doesn't make you feel that guilty.

I've recently discovered a completely yummy Greek-style coconut one. It's so divine I fully expect it to burst into a chorus of "You think you're a man, but you're only a boy."

Thomas said...

"If one came to me in the post, I'd just assume that Heals had sent through a new sample of the picture holder that they're stocking."

I'm fairly certain I have some spares lying around. What's your address? :)

tworabbitshow said...

Who doesn't love that logo? It's like the 80s threw up.

Dicky said...

Last time I had a yogurt I felt very ill. I'm not 100% sure it was the yogurt. It could have been the white wine (I prefer red, on the whole) that I drunk that was left over from a party. Or it could have been a dodgy jar of pesto. Or all three. Who can say?

I think creativity is over-rated.

CyberPete said...

Thank Cher you had nothing to do with that Olympic logo. That looks awful.

I have to admit though, I am not into sports but I do enjoy mens highdive, swimming and beach wolley.