Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Here Comes The Space Bride

I wish I knew more about Scientology. But all I know is people stopping me in the street and asking me for a stress test, and what Tom Cruise forcing down the throats of his co-stars (well, everyone except Katie Holmes, natch. I'd pity her, but she made her single bed, she can lie in it).

What is that stress test anyway? One woman stopped me by Goodge Street Tube and asked if I'd like to take one. "Do I look stressed?" I asked, indignant. She sized me up and said "Actually no, you look hungover." So I shot her a look, swirled my cape around me and stalked over the road into Habitat; I needed the feel of mid-range wood products around me to centre myself after that, I can tell you.

So Tom Cruise has ascended (I bet that's the word they use) to being their high priest, and this means he can perform marriages in Scientology terms - as apparently he will do for friend James Packer soon. Now, for me, Scientology is just one step away from putting 'Jedi' on your application form, so is getting married in the Church of Cruise even legal? I mean, this religion is based on the scribblings of a right-wing menace with a sci-fi fixation, so I can imagine how the service will be: all skin-tight white Lycra and ray-guns, and Cruise will come down from the ceiling in a big laser display before the space-bride and hyper-groom touch elbows and pretend to rip their faces off like Diana from 'V', now meaning they're married. The reception after being like The Rah Band's Clouds Across the Moon.

Look at that. Fabulous.

Of course, if this goes ahead, this'll mean that Scientology is indeed forward thinking if it lets in gay priests (just ducking for the incoming lawsuit, there.) I've had a quick look up at what they think of we Gentlemen Who Admire Bette Midler For Her Acting Skills As Well As Her Singing, and it's all rather unfortunate. Scientologists see us as 'hypocrites' and 'turncoats' - the very subversive creatures that'll bring down Governments and countries. Uh, how exactly? No, really - how? Take your fingers out of your ears and tell me exactly how we're going to do this, please. Because if we had this power, by Cher, we would have used it to some extent - if only to have brought back 'Cagney and Lacey'.

From the Scientology book 'How To Choose Your People' it claims that:

"Homosexuals don't practice love... Their relationships consist of: 1) brief, sordid and impersonal meetings or 2) longer arrangements punctuated by dramatic tirades, discords, jealousies and frequent infidelity. It could hardly be otherwise since the tone is made up of suspicion and hate, producing a darling sweetness interspersed with petty peevishness. Their 'love' turns to deep contempt eventually."

I tell you, author Ruth Minshall, has probably just been reading my friend Gertie's blog. But what really gets my Abercrombie's in a twist is that this behaviour is not confined to we Gentlemen at all. Frankly, most men I know would be utterly happy with point 1) if they could get away with it, and most literature I know is based on every aspect of point 2). This is mainstream culture anyway; imagine a world where homosexuality was the dominant culture. We could equally level these observances at the heterosexual ten percent, say it's unholy, and claim its far too messy and you get another child at the end.

Although if I'm asked to imagine a world where the gays rule, I'm more inclined to picture a mad project to mirror all the continents. So when you look at the Earth from space, it looks like a giant disco ball.

The thing that gets me about Scientology is that it appears to be completely hypocritical - as per most of these religions. Organised religion is perfectly fine as a concept, but as soon as you start including people in it, it all goes to shite. Yes, yes, we know that Tom Cruise says he's happy diving around in the furry cup for years, but no smoke without a flamer, I say. But again, we can take the positive aspects and go with them: if two people do love each other, let them be joined together in matrimonial bliss.

At least this way Tom Cruise is getting his secret wish and finally gets to marry a man.

11 comments:

pink jellybaby said...

i would just like to say that i love this blog

Lee said...

Thank you!

Owen Blacker said...

We love you! :o)

andrew_warhola said...

this is ABSOLUTELY hilarious.

Erin said...

Ah, Lee...you continue to be fabulous. *mwah*

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

For a moment there, we were definitely beginning to worry where you'd got to - but, ooh, we all hazarded a guess - lovely post.

I worry for our 'Golden Balls' Becks out there in La-La;land. TC is gonna ram his scientology what-knot all down his throat...

Qenny said...

The stress test is a big pile of shit. I wasted an hour on it years ago in my student days when I had more time to myself and could afford to squander it on such inanity.

Oddly, I was going to blog about Scientology today, too. I'm feeling the need, because I came to the realisation that if Scientology can count as a bona fide religion, then so can The South Beach Plan, The Seven Habits, or The Atkins Diet. And Paul McKenna is almost certainly a messiah of some description.

GayProf said...

Oh, are they sponsoring the stress tests? I thought it was some credit card company trying to get me further in debt...

bxfresh220 said...

see, i always figured the reception would be more akin to this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07AfRtt46RE

hehe

-s

tworabbitshow said...

Ahh, I love this society! Where else is a religion that thinks we all have tiny pieces alien souls inside us that were exploded all over the universe by an ancient super-volcano considered wackier than a religion that worships a guy who was born of a virgin, walked on water and came back from the dead?

Vampire Librarian said...

My father has the same feelings about organized religion. When asked what faith he is, he answers, "Orthodox Agnostic." It's fun when people just nod politely with a slightly confused look on their faces.