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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Paris in the Springtime II

Well, clearly Glitter for Brains has more sway than we previously thought; our plea to send Paris Hilton back to prison was heard by the deities we prey to and that straw-headed fool is back behind bars! Such is our power that I'm now sitting in a towel - fingers crossed, legs not - waiting for Ben Browder to arrive, just so we can reenact Glitter for Brains' perennial favourite porn film, 'Drill Bill'.

I shan't bang on about Paris too much - the more we do, the more we promote this silly idea that she's somehow famous. And yes, this is kicking her when she's down but lets face it, the woman's one step up from a Pinata anyway - and while I have no problem of us all crowding around her and hitting her with sticks, all that would come out would be dust, hair, straw and a particularly virulent strain of VD. In fact that's one of the conspiracy theories that the net is rife with at the moment; this 'unspecified medical condition' that had her released after just three days was apparently some sort of hideous, stress-related herpes that had expanded all the way around to her back entrance. I know I should say 'exit' at that point, but you know full well that she's had more cock in her than a KFC processing plant so its 'any hole a goal', I'd wager. My mother frowns upon this naturally - while she's fine with we Gentlemen Who Know The Films of Reece Witherspoon and their bedroom shenanigans, but she feels ladies who indulge are just grubby: "If the Lord wanted you to go in that way, he'd have put the welcome mat at the back," she says.

So a strain of the Galloping Green Gash Rot that is almost life-threatening? Well, it sounds like Paris Hilton - the woman's so virulent that, personally, I'd rather take my chances shagging a hornet's nest. But that's not all on the conspiracy front: the other X-File that's opened regards Paris' pre-arrest antics; did we all notice how calm she was at the MTV Awards the night before she was sent down? The theory goes that she knew that she was only going to be in for three days due to the sheriff who owns the jail being big friends with the Hollywood community. He's accepted donations from Paris's grandfather in the past, as well as other celebs; he was the guy who let Mel Gibson off after his anti-Semitic comments. Paris was meant to have served three days, have left, gone 'boo-hoo' to the cameras and gone under house arrest. Oh lord, if this is true it's going to make her reentry into jail as glorious as Cher's Oscars entrance in 1986. And that was so momentous that the shockwaves are still being felt through the gay community to this day. It must have measured 9.8 on the Sontag Scale and blown the wigs off drag queens across the globe.

Anyway. Paris. Now she's away for her 45 days, Paris is taking a little bit of time to 're-brand' it seems. Everyone who's spoken to her says she's "learning so much" in there. How can she learn? If you electrified some shoes and said 'Look, Paris! Free footwear!" first you'd have to explain what the word 'footwear' was, then she'd come back three hours later with hair all frizzy going "Shoes make Paris all tingly!"

My main worry is that she's going to come out of there and think she's instantly some UN Ambassador or something. She's been back in less than a week and already she's making noises to work for charities, including work for breast cancer after her gran passed away. And while I applaud the idea of charity work, may I remind you that this was the woman who wandered around with a copy of the Bible for a week before she was sent down, and when that didn't work she grabbed the first Buddhist text she could find. Having her dealing with breast cancer will result in slogans such as 'They're Not Just For Jizzing Across!' And the first advert I get with Paris Hilton going 'Hi, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm here to talk to you about breast cancer' and my collection of Girls Aloud fashion dolls are going to be put through the telly. Not only is it going to be insulting because the way she'll dress (she's seen scientists on telly before, so will wear a lab coat, glasses and her hair up so she can let it fall down halfway through the spot) but also her tits are so small that it looks like someones papered over the light switches. And frankly, getting Paris Hilton to talk to us about breast cancer is like getting Sarah Michelle Gellar to host a seminar on how to have a successful film career after TV...

7 comments:

Lippy said...

Damn I forget just how good you are and then you come out with the Sarah Michelle comment............

Qenny said...

What Lippy said, except for the papered-over light switches comment. Oh, and minus the forgetting just how good you are - could never do that. Okay, not what Lippy said at all, then.

I'm surprised at the choice of Ben Browder. I'd have thought Ryan Reynolds would be a better choice. (Although since he doesn't star in your "Boys we are foaming at the gash about" list, perhaps you aren't as keen as you would sometimes have us believe.)

Lippy said...

Ryan Reynolds...Scarlett Johansen is shaping up to be a gay man trapped in a woman's body isn't she?

CyberPete said...

She will come out thínking she's all Ghandi or something.

Don't forget about the Vote or Die ads and she didnt even register

Stuart said...

I heard on the news that she has apparently found god in jail - wonder what he did wrong to be locked up!

Qenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gonzo said...

In true Paris style, all I have to say about your post...
That's Hot!