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Friday, June 08, 2007

Paris in the Springtime

And so I look up from my pelvic floor exercises this morning to find that Paris Hilton has been let out of jail. I tell you, I almost spat out my martini.


Now normally I approve of the US system of crime and punishment - although the death penalty leaves me a little confused. I'm two minds about it: one side says this is an unjustified killing of a human being, and the other side says 'Fuck me, it's Paris Hilton! I'll throw the switch and you get the marshmallows!' But now La Hilton is out after, what, three days? Due to 'unspecified health issues'? What probably happened is that some other inmate slipped her a piece of paper with 'Please Turn Over for Escape Plan' written on both sides and the poor little thing kept flipping it over for three days solid.

Paris is like the whiny bitch who everyone hated at school, so to see her thrown in a cell and all privileges removed was a joy to us all. I don't subscribe to the 'Heat' mentality of exposing celebrities' humanity at every turn (if I ever want to see 12 pages of excitable sweat patches, I'll show you my photo album of me watching Ryan Reynolds in 'Blade 3'). But this was fun as it brought some simple airhead from a rich family who thought she was better than the rest of us down to our level. I would say 'lower than us' as she's gone to jail, but I must admit to having spent some time away At Her Majesty's Pleasure due to an unfortunate incident in Fortnam and Mason, but thanks to the vagaries of the British legal system, I was back out on the street two days later with little more than a smacked bottom, a home-made tattoo and several phone numbers. To this day, I never have to buy a drink in the East End.

So the media circus rolls on with her back in the spot light. I really can't see the reason why she's even on our radar; hell to see her as a sex symbol is bad enough - I witnessed the horror of her on the cover of a magazine once 'clad' in a bikini that was basically two postage stamps and a saucy bit of string, and while I don't think we ever need to confirm that I Bowl From The Other End of the Pavilion, there was the final proof in glossy, perfect-bound glory. Ladies and gentleman, even though she'd been airbrushed to buggery, she still looked like a bony little boy with nary a boob to speak of. How is this sexy? I must admit to have seeing that sex tape of hers (well, I needed to check what was on before I taped over it with 'Rosemary and Thyme') and it wasn't very nice at all. That poor man that she's with - she's so thin that her conquest looks like he's just trying to put up a deckchair in a high wind.

And now she's out, allowed home, abet on an electronic tag. So from a 96 square foot jail cell she has moved to her home where she will have a 3000-4000ft radius of freedom - and she's still gonna think she's being hard done by. Hell, she'll probably be out on the road by noon in some deathwagon of hers. No wonder she's always crashing into stuff - she's always got those eyes half closed. I think she thinks she's being sexy - I just think she's got too much mascara on and probably needs to tip her head back just to get her eyes open all the way.

The most annoying thing about her is she's Schrodinger's Celebrity - she only exists because we look at her. So all this vitriol and hate I've just poured over my keyboard (and a small amount of Bloody Mary, but someone nudged my arm while I was having breakfast) is fuelling her time in the spotlight.

Hie her bony arse back to jail. At least we may have a chance at 45 days without her pap shots of looking at the camera with those half-opened eyes every-bloody-where.


Nomes said...

The deckchair in the wind statement made this voluptuous goddess spit out her water.

Which is good, cos "it's getting hot in here (so hot) so take off all your clothes (I am, gettin so hot, I wanna...." you get the idea.

Fecking summer.

Qenny said...

If only she were Schroedinger's Celebrity. At least there would have been a 50/50 chance that when they opened the cell, she was dead.

Anonymous said...

lol - "...I Bowl From The Other End of the Pavilion...", is that from Catherine Tate?

CyberPete said...

Hell she'll probably have a book out about how terrible yet meaningful her 4 days in jail was in a few months.

The one thing I do like about her is that she hasn't had her boobs done. or has she?

Nick said...

Ah well you got your wish. "Dragged screaming" back to jail was how it was reported apparently!

And that unexplained medical problem was something to do with her lady bits wasn't it... had to be. Maybe she couldn't keep up the anti-candida diet whilst in the clink.

Snooze said...

Oh Lee, you saw her sex tape? I'm amazed that you aren't off on medical leave.

Lee said...

>is that from Catherine Tate?

Lord knows. I've never seen her.