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Monday, July 30, 2007

Sex and the City: You're Doing It Wrong

Hi, I'm Carrie Bradshaw. Sexy, single - though some would say I'm far too reliant on my hair. Some others would say I've got a face like an elongated leather handbag, but clearly they can't see a style icon before them. I mean, I often design all my outfits myself, though the bulb clearly went in my workroom in seasons three to six.

As I type here on my iBook with a Post-It note over the Apple on the back to hide the product placement, I have to wonder - is a Sex and the City movie a really good idea?

Like most things for a woman, it's best done alone. Sex and the City is a solitary pleasure, like a really good bath, or masturbation (aren't I edgy and modern saying that?) I mean, we only drag men around the shops because we are half-heartedly dragged around the bedroom by the modern man.

I have to ask, can we really replicate that solitary act in a cinema? For one, you won't be able to hear the dialogue over the innumerable cartons of Ben and Jerry's being popped open by every audience member. And I do worry that all that oestrogen in one room together - surely our cycles will align meaning no man was safe one month after the release date?

Of course, if the movie is inevitable, we will have to do it before Samantha has her second centenary birthday. No really - it's a wonder that if anyone tried to poke her now, she wouldn't just turn to dust. She's so dessicated that she's solely responsible for KY Jelly coming in a family size.

And do you really want my face looming at you in twenty-foot CinemaScope? Those of you who braved 'Failure to Launch' must know that my nose alone looks like one of the 2-in-1 sloping roads in San Francisco that you half expect Steve McQueen to come riding down it when I turn in profile. No, taking the tired, one-note TV show and transferring it to the big screen certainly doesn't leave one with a good vibration.

Meanwhile, over the other side of town, Samantha was having a spot of trouble with a different kind of vibrator of her own...

6 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Do you know, I actually heard SJP's voice narrating that in my head.

Until I got to Samantha's second centenary birthday. Then it was just sniggering and spluttering downhill all the way. I really shouldn't read this at work ;-)

Anon Dirty said...

One-note TV show? Yes, sure. But when that note is essentially gay men in rather good drag, should we really fight it?

Tim said...

Dear Carrie,
If you do drag your wretched arse and hidious face onto the big screen, please ensure it doesn't get to an IMAX screen becau- OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE A MASSIVE MONSTER!

On the other hand, if they ever decide to make a film of Mr Ed: The Talking Horse, you're postively a shoe-in.

Joseph said...

Marvellous. And certain to do well in its first week until word gets out what utter pooh it all is.

mainja said...

Not sure how a movie would be any different, especially considering I only watched it on DVD, so I'd do 2 or more hours at a go on a regular basis...

That said, I imagine it would entertain me for a couple hours, so I say bring it on!

Scarlet said...

The only thing that can save that film is if they bring back the delightful Barishnikov to slap Carrie up a few more times.