Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Girls and Wardrobes

I'm sure you're all a-buzzing like a housewife with two new D-batteries at the sight and sound of the new Girls Aloud video. But what's this, I hear you cry (I've been hearing voices ever since I took to sniffing Lorilu non-chip nail polish due to the price increase in snuff): there's actually a budget behind it? And a concept? They haven't just thrown the girls in Top Shop and waved some fuzzy-felt butterflies around the screen. Or in the case of band member Nicola - sheep dip and hair curlers.

Ah, all is well on the pop landscape once again - we even have a new Kylie album coming our way! It's a good time to be a Gentleman Who Videos The Oscars, it really is. And even over the fence in the garden of the R and the B, I'm sure you'll be delighted in the news that 50 Cents has declared that he's going to give up recording albums if sales of his next one don't top that of rival Kayne West.

Oh yes, I do have an opinion on these things; I have one of Kanye's recordings that I accidentally purloined from a more... masculine Gentleman Caller's record shelf. I do say accidentally as it was incorrectly stored in an S Club Jr CD case, one I hadn't got, that I stuffed in my 30-denier nylons as I bent over to pick the cash up off the tumble dryer. But I was pleasantly surprised by the album; I think Mr West is much more lyrically dexterous and also uses the 'n'-word - you know, the one that would get you thrown out of a Big Brother house - to great effect. In comparison, 50 Cents is a rumbling wardrobe who raps like he's had a stroke and has one claim to fame: he was shot nine times. That's not a claim to fame, that's just not taking the hint.

Clearly I'm imploring you not to buy 50 Cent's album - which won't be hard as I predict there'll be a complete lack of hand-claps and dramatic key-changes (which is what we Gentlemen Who Can't Catch do enjoy the most). But instead, maybe think about Mr West's latest offering instead, just to put the boot in a bit more.

Oh yes, while our garden of Pop is verdant and pleasant, the big scandal in that other dell that is the Hip and the Hop is what's happened to the third Harajuku girl that was in Gwen Stefani's backing line-up? Oh yes, there were three during 'What You Waiting For' and now there's only two in 'Escape'. Is there one to be culled every solo album (if so, the remaining two must be sweating like Rob Lowe in an orphanage). Or perhaps she had to be retired 'to the farm'. An beautifully pastured place where Pepsi and Shirley gambol free, where Sinitta runs unfettered through the tall grass. And where George Michael pops by to play a bit of jazz.

Oh yes, he's a big fan of straight-blowing, that man.


Miss Mish said...

Sinitta doesn't gambol darling - she's still thinks she's back in 1987 and merely joggles about a bit. Anyway, someone of her advanced age couldn't do it because of polyester burns from the support gusset....

savante said...

And thank goodness, Gwen is coming over to this side of the world for a concert!

Stuart said...

I once read a new article saying how 50cent claimed he would rather kill someone than have a gay person turn up to one of his gigs. But what confuses me is what gay person in their right mind would ever want to turn up to one of his concerts - because lets face it - his music is nothing but a advert for gun crime and gangsters, and his a short ugly bastard too.

Kayne west on the other hand has made some great records, and although Ive never brought one of his albums, I could quite happily slip one inbetween Avril Lavinge and Kelly Clarkson. Plus his property wet knickers material too!

CyberPete said...

Just the mere thought of having a little bit to do with 50 Cent retiring could make me buy Mr Wests album. Not that I appreciate his music anymore than his nemisis.

Indeed Kylies album is out later this year, as is Madonnas? I heard a rumour but who knows with her