Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Pin Drops

Quiet in here, isn't it?

Well, to be honest, I think it's just you and me in here today as every other bugger's sodded off on holiday. Tell you what, you put the kettle on and I'll get the nice biscuits out. No, not the Nice biscuits - they, for me, always invoke the taste of what's behind an old man's foreskin after he's been drinking Amaretto - but something with a chocolate topping. And maybe a sprinkling of mogadon to help 'Woman's Hour' pass with  a delightful fug.

Really, no-one's about. Gertie's gone north and, perhaps in a reaction to this, most of the usual Gentlemen Who Can't Pass A Branch Of Habitat have obeyed their flocking instinct and have gone south for the summer to Sitges. Land of the Free (and easy), of foam parties, conjunctivitis, sun burn and STDs. Which are like the four main food groups for we wendys.

Even my Evil Best Friend Declan has relinquished his Throne of Suffering to 'take in the sun and read a Jilly Cooper' for the first time since, well, Madeleine McCann went missing. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, I really think it is. But he did say that on his holiday play list he was sure to be including a bit of Lisa Stansfield. "You know, the one that goes 'Been around the world and I can't find my baby..."' he said between breathing in a packet of Capstan.

Myself, I managed a mini-break to Plymouth last weekend after finally organising an armed guard to escort me out of Zone 1 and into the provinces. Really, one can't be too careful - I hear that it's completely gone to rack and ruin out there, and you can't even get a delivery from Heals past Henley. And what a strange and remarkable place Plymouth turned out to be; I never saw a face of any colour bar white (well, slightly blue thanks to the cold) past Reading, and thusly an ugly undertone of racism was rife. Oh no, they don't like anything 'different' down there; the local radio gaily proclaimed "All the hits! From the 70s! 80s! And 90s! And no weird stuff!" And you can always tell you're in the provinces when you're talking about local restaurants and they say "Oh yes, it's Mexican, but they do have a proper menu too."

It's nice to be back, darlings. Now, one lump or two?

5 comments:

pink jellybaby said...

i'm only up for the tea and biscuits if you have choccie digestives..... otherwise you're on your own

Lippy said...

Put two sugars in mine will you - I am so overworked and so fed up with the rain I really don't care if I'm too fat for the "shoot dress" for next week....anyway all that means in practice is more tit for the camera man to point at.

Nick said...

You're lucky to get out of Plymouth alive... I grew up not too far away from there and never mind coloured faces, what they really don't like are - to borrow a phrase - Gentlemen Who Holiday In Sitges And Read Jilly Cooper. Welcome back in one piece.

Two lumps please.

CyberPete said...

Two please

Actually I haven't been on holidays since Madeleine McCann went missing in May. This is now the end of my holidays though.

So a nice cup of tea is a fabulous idea.

Orchis said...

In most of Devon it's still 1979, although it's thought the 1950s linger on in some very remote Dartmoor hamlets.

No milk for me thanks.