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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Some Facts Just In...

According to one of the papers this morning, the following fascinating facts are true:

A) If you burst a paper bag near the ear of a Jersey cow, you stop its ability to give milk for up to thirty minutes

B) Spanish researchers found you could improve milk production by 60% if you gave the cow steel dentures

C) Pigs have been found intelligent enough to play computer games

Now whether these facts are true or not is arguable. Just because they’re printed and presented as so in a newspaper that views Diana’s death as the best assassination since Kennedy is a dodgy thing to accept in the first place. But let’s just say that they are. In which case:

A. What sort of paper bag? What sort of bang? Does it have to be a paper bag – after all, with a following wind and a bit of dedication (it’s what you need) you can get an almighty bang out of a crisp packet. Haven’t they tried twisting out little sacs of Clingfilm? And that has the added advantage of being waterproof so you could stop a cow’s milk flow in environments like – to pick a surreal example out of the air – when they’re out in a field in the rain. You don’t want their milk all over the muddy ground do you, but using a paper bag would be impossible. The scientists never think these things through. Plus if a paper bag blowing up can instil enough shock to stop milk flow for half an hour, it’s hard not to imagine the more inhumane effects that further experiments brought on. In the same way that scientists get very shy about why all their captive rabbits have such lovely shiny coats, or why all their beagles look cool in a French 1950s film noir way, not one of them will ever tell you how they know with 100% certainty that if you pull a Party Popper near a cow’s ear, it turns its udder inside out.

B. Apart from “Scientist”, how many other professions can watch a Bond film on a Saturday and then in all seriousness think, “blimey, that’s a good idea, gotta try that one at work on Monday”. Presumably after a nice glass or two of Rioja, and too much Parmesan on their paella, a Spanish scientist has watched The Spy Who Loved Me and left himself a post-it note saying, “explore poss. of making Daisy look lk Richard Kiel on Monday”. Suddenly science-horrors like cloned sheep or ears-on-the-back-of-mice pale into insignificance when confronted with a Friesian with two metal legs building himself a volcano lair out of hay. Or the Jersey in the field next door who’s fed three milkmaids to a pool of goldfish he’s rendered particularly frenzied by taunting them all morning about their inadequacies.

C. This was, of course, on a Nintendo Wee-Wee-Wee-Wee-All-The-Way-Home. Ayethangew.

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