Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Where No Man Was Willing To Go

Star Trek is bobbins, isn't it?

Every now and again, I get this irrational urge to go back and sit through the middling adventures of manly Captain Janeway and her moist crew, but fortunately have instructed all about me to flick an elastic band at the back of my head if I even show the merest whiff of weakness. I'd only get annoyed at the slow pace and the fact that the geeks who write it can't get a woman's characteristics down at all; poor Deanna Troi's sole female trait was a love of chocolate, clearly brought about by one of the writers reading the back of a chick-lit novel in Borders. If only the future hadn't done away with currency lest Tasha Yar be off on a shopping spree each week and flashing her La Senza carrier bags every time she came on the bridge with an incompetent cry of "Ooh, I shall get me hair done, yes! For I am a WOMAN!"

Indeed 'Star Trek' has bored me over the years; scarred me even after witnessing the antics of some gentleman in a Star Trek uniform in a gay barn - yes, barn. Some rickety nest of iniquity that took forty-five minutes of driving down country lanes to get to; honestly it felt like it was the sixties once again and Gentlemen Who Are Good With Colours had to get into secret clubs by going up the back passage and knocking. Clearly nothing we're a stranger to; indeed, most the places were so small that when you wanted to get across the room you simply had to push someone's stool in. No wonder the Police raided the place.

Anyway, this gay barn clearly attracted the local stoop-backed yokels as there was barely a full set of teeth amongst them until we turned up. Which is when, jaws scraping sawdusted floor, did we spot the corpulent ming-mong in the Trek uniform, who proceeded to take a shine to yours truly. Every time I walked by him (he'd casually installed himself between the bar, the toilet, and the 'What The Butler Saw' Mutoscope) he would whip out his medical tricorder from his belt, pretend to scan me, and nod approvingly at the results before trying to give me a wink. I say 'try' as his coordination was such he winked by turning his head, screwing up the winking eye and opening his mouth in a weird 'D' shape. And if you think sexy is someone who looks like they're having a stroke, boy did I find the paramour for you.

This was not his crowning glory, alas. When I did finally give in to nature and go past him to the WC, he followed me in and waited for me to finish at the urinals. And when I turned - picture this in slow motion, dear viewers, as I do when I wake screaming in the middle of the night - he was unzipping his uniform. As my hand flew up in a scream of "Nooo..!" his was pulling apart the fabric to expose his pendulous left nipple, large and
swollen, about which was tattooed a Next Generation communicator badge. He then proceeded to caress it before announcing "Yeah, oh yeah - two to beam up..."

I screamed, dear viewers, I really did. I then ran past him in that special run that's mostly crying, elbows and flat-footed anguish, all the way to my dear friends who were terribly supportive by pointing, laughing, and pushing me towards him again.

And this is why I don't want to watch 'Trek' any more. That and the fans insistence of firing the boring ones into space when they're dead. Why wait, I say.


Tim said...

My recollection of you fawning over Kate Mulgrew conflicts with your apparent hatred of Star Trek.

I bet you would've given her combadge a squeeze if she'd offered.

Becky said...

I think you've ruined Star Trek for me forever. :-/

Inexplicable DeVice said...

The very next time I watch DS9, I'm going to feel unclean. Dirty and unclean!

Thank you VERY much.


Tim said...

IDV, don't you feel dirty and unclean all the time?

My word verification is UWANQ. I'm saying nothing else.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Not all the time. Only when there's no other choice but to join in!

Ah, but I bet WV didn't say who?!

Tim said...

It did. It said UWANQ.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I know that, but did it say who(else) I WANQ?

If only your mind-control-device was operational, then you'd've known what I meant...

Tim said...

Did I mention the restraining order just came into effect?