Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Bold 2-in-1

Why yes, there's a bit of a Life Laundry going on over in Glitter For Brains Towers at the moment. I've got myself a Personal Trainer (Alex, good chest, bad breath) and I'm just back from the induction. Well, blood pressure, reflex and strength is normal, but I seem to have lost an inch in height since I was last measured. I am agog. I always thought I was a six-foot wannabe (abet augmented with giant hair and large shoes you could walk over Hilary Duff in and do some proper damage). But now I should be said to be more of a middling five-footer. Such a declassification! I bet this is how ex-planet Pluto feels.

Although this was piecemeal to when he did the body-mass readout and I'm .5kg from being away from overweight.

To which (after much indignant spluttering) I raised an eyebrow and showed him my wrists, which frankly Karen Carpenter's bangles would slide off with a graceful ease.

I mean, I ask you. Overweight? On what scale. Geological? When he finally calmed me down, he then said that it was probably due to my muscle mass being what it was, which is clearly a good thing. Although it probably would have helped my case if I'd taken off my Beyonce-style hoop earrings before stepping on the scales. To which I called him a cheeky cat, squeezed his chest playfully and offered him a breath mint.

And so in a completely unrelated manner, I've decided to get myself a councilor. Well, as I get older, I notice its a lot more difficult to get men to listen to me talk about myself as the lashes I bat are now encrusted with age, decades-old Rimmel and the jizz of sailors who probably went down with the Exxon Valdez. So it turns out that I now have to pay for the privilege now. I bet he'll listen to me, telling me that I do not carry the excess weight of Britney Spears.

In the meantime, it's all stack shoes and baggy black jumpers. Nice. I'll look like a philosophy student.


Red said...

don't go all anorexic on us and bear in mind that his actual words were .5kg AWAY from being overweight, not that you were actually overweight.

Tim said...

Two words:



Inexplicable DeVice said...

"I think he's hiding something, but I'm not sure after all those attempts at perming my hair in the replicator?"