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Monday, October 29, 2007

The House of More Than One Queen

I'll have you know that country is being 'rocked' (tabloid speak for someone tutting in The Home Counties) by a royal scandal at the moment.

I don't know the full ins and outs, but the words 'sex', 'drugs' and 'gay orgies' are being bandied about. Hell, throw in the words 'alien overlords' and you've probably got the Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise divorce papers right there. Anyway, someone asked me if I knew any more details about the gay sex bit; clearly they thought that, as a complete wendy, there must be some daily briefing that all Gentlemen Who Moisturise get about what we're all up to. Or I could feel it though some sort of gay Force that connects us all together. I don't think there is a gay Force, though sometimes I wish there was. And it would explain why we all black out when Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' runs on cable - it's like a mobile phone network overloading.

Then they went on to ask me whether it was gay as in man-oh-man, or lady-on-lady. An interesting question indeed. See, I wouldn't mind a bit of lesbionics in the Palace; it's always the Gentlemen Who Are Good Listeners being found out for some shenanigans involving cocks and arses. It's always a gay scandal.

Do you know why lesbianism was never made illegal in the UK? The old story is that Queen Victoria never outlawed it because she didn't believe it possible for sex to happen between two women, though maybe it's because they closest thing a lesbian does to draw attention to herself is to lower her heel and shorten their name not-quite-masculine-but-still-leaving-the-HR-director-puzzled version of their given nomenclature. Lesbians don't have scandals. They have Whist Drives. And that's probably why they slipped under Queen Vic's radar in the first place.

Whereas we, the Gentlemen Who Have Clicked Their Heels Three Times On Many Occasions, are seemingly always up to something. It's all about show, darlings. It's all about the attention.

Lesbians are a little more stately, so maybe it would make sense for the Royals to have one in their midst. And lets face it, Princess Anne is a prime candidate for being a lovely licky lady - I've known similar types of women who are all wellies, head scarves and no foundation, and they suck up more carpet than a malfunctioning Hoover. Though poor Anne is cursed with a pair of regal gnashers that make it look like their sliding out her mouth; you know, the type that can eat an apple through a picket fence. I personally wouldn't want those teeth going near my metaphorical mimsy for fear of being hollowed out.

So come on, Ladies Wot Lick - how about a bit of scandal in the near future? You've got everyone gunning for you: the straight lads will think dreams have come true, and straight women will think it's all very liberating and modern.

And we gay men? Well, we'll be glad that the pressure's off for a while, meaning we can pop 'round the back and get up to some more mischief.


Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

Nah, it's another gay male scandal. Viscount Linley, according to the Australian press.

Perry Neeham said...

Guido ( thinks it's Linley too. A furniture designer, who would have guessed?

Bruce Freedman said...

The question that rises in my mind is: how come heterosexual women can fool around with each other and still be heterosexual, but the moment a guy kisses another guy, he's automatically gay, or at a minimum, bisexual?

Qenny said...

I'm a bit surprised that we didn't all just find out about the scandal by accessing web sites that aren't in the UK but have all the information. But I can't find any. :(

Eating an apple through a picket fence - I laughed until I almost choked!