Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Lesbians and Lunges

You know, I always thought it was Hermione who was Good With Colours, not Dumbledore. The strong personality, the untameable hair - hell, she's already got the cat. All she needs now is an overstocked tea cupboard and the aversion to foundation garments and you may as well say the whole thing with Ron was a complete sham and say "See you down the Candy Bar!"

Anyway. My time with my new Personal Trainer is a dark period. I mean, I've done some things in my life I'm not especially counting as a high points; indeed as I think about it an incident comes to mind where I was under a Gentleman Caller who happened to be smaller on penis and larger of girth (it was the end of the night when he asked to come back; he was punching above his - considerable - weight and I was feeling particularly generous) and while he vainly tried to stuff his button mushroom into my moneymaker, heaving backward and forward with all the grace of a landed carp, you do think "Well, this isn't one of my more graceful moments is it?" But this is nothing compared to what happened today at the gym.

He made me do lunges! Lunges! I ask you. I haven't lunged at anything since I discovered Linda Evans was in the cinema seat in front of me during Labyrinth. Gentlemen don't lunge. They lunch.

And it seems that the muscles in my calves are a little shorter than they should be. This means that whenever I lower myself down weights in hand, my knees are drawn together like a theatre-goer clutching their Malteasers as someone tries to shuffle past to their seat. I mean, who'd have thought? I always assumed that whatever position I was in, my legs always naturally flew apart.

I mean, if they ever get around to making an action figure of me, it'll come with spring-loaded hips...


Qenny said...

Lunges are awful, but they do give one such a lovely, firm gluteus maximum. And he with a nice firm gluteus maximus will always turn down he of the penis minimus.

The malteasers thing had be in stitches - vintage glittey Lee, that is.

Junebugg said...

Now I've got the pic of the "button mushroom" in my head and it won't got away and it's all your fault!