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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Brief Interlude Before Battlefield Earth

I have a long-standing allegiance to Dame Kylie; she's my gal. I've stuck by her through unadvised haircut and various non-ironic bolero jackets for years. But now her latest album is out, I do question such loyalty. Dear viewers, I'm having a crisis of faith. Help me.

We Gentlemen Who Always Idly Flick To See Whether They Have Any Carpenters In The Karaoke Listings have a sort of gay spider-sense about these things, you know. We can sense desperation. Sometimes its good desperation and we'll all sit around it and watch it crash and burn in a spectacular way (cf Spice Girls new material) but sometimes there's a bad twinge in the gay Force and we start looking suspiciously at our Amazon wishlist and think 'Hold up...' And it's not just because there's so many dress-up Barbies on there and we don't have any 6-year old nieces in our family.

You see, I want Kylie's latest to be a success. I want her to win. The last thing we want is for her to become Britney, still thinking she's successful while loping around her mansion in a nigh-on feral state, looking through the bins for things to eat and hissing at her children when they get too close to the battered pizza boxes. You know there's a certain type of woman you know who just looks... grubby? Like they have dirt ingrained into them? That is what Britney looks like to me now. Oh she used to be so fresh-faced, but there's probably a reason she no longer wears knickers when she's out - she's regressed so far that she can't figure them out. Next she'll be grunting and bashing the phone in with a mammoth thigh-bone whenever it rings, and building a totem to the hologram that came free with her cereal as she thinks its a gift from the fertility gods.

And I see from that oh-so-reliable interweb that she's now dating a waiter she found in a restaurant - and before you get all cynical and go "Oh he's just after her for her money" this could have gone two ways: she's now forgotten how to use her credit card and thinks this is the best way to remove the debt, or she thinks that this guy is a good provider and hit him over her head to get her back to her cave. Ugg bring food. Ugg good mating stock.

Either way, with how physically mucky she is, if he even gets her slightly moist in her shaggy clam area, the surrounding grime is going to form some sort of hermetic paste and grout her to whatever she's sitting on at the time. Heaven help them if it's the waiter.

Anyway, Dame Kylie. I had a quick listen to a couple of tracks, and they didn't grab me. While I liked '2 Hearts' I did think it was a bit of a departure for her stock-pop oeuvre - and now I realise it was released because it was the only track that stood out from the rest of the clinical beeping and booping. Am I missing a trick? Was I wrong to tut, roll my eyes and go straight back to Girls Aloud's new album? If you so wish, there's a comments box below - tell me how right, or how wrong, I am. Thank you, darling viewers.

6 comments:

Lippy said...

There was clearly something wrong when the best bits of the soundtrack to Kylie's own "doco" were by Shirley Bassey!

Qenny said...

There has indeed been something of a disturbance in the gay force around the new album. I've been trying to pretend it's not happening, and will avoid listening until it has grown on people, whereupon I can buy it a bit later than everyone else and make believe that I never doubted Kylie ever.

brucie said...

Agree that some of the tracks are pants, but i love 'No more rain' and 'Wow' they stand out to me. Sure they sound like Madge of 4 years ago, but still a good vibe!

Most of the reviews have centered around the fact that there is a lack of depth around the album considering what she has just been through. Who do they think they are dealing with? Someone who writes her own material?

moraghan said...

It will be remembered as Kylie’s comeback album, but for nothing else. It is a bland paint by numbers job, where her vocals are all but obliterated by vocal effects leaving only but a whisper of the lady herself…
Calvin Harris eeks out the same beats and licks as…..well anything he’s ever done, making you wonder why Milo was passed over simply because he was last seasons Scottish Dance Music Knob Twiddler….
This album wants to be as good as its artwork, but there’s no love here, there’s no sense anybody stayed in the studio longer than necessary…and strangely 2 Hearts is left as the most interesting thing on here…and its stellar by no means…
…And that Documentary…YAWN….William Baker obviously not astute enough to realise the non-to subtle irony of having Liza warbling “I love you…you pay my rent” over close up shots of La Minogue, would have an audience reeling with laughter, never a truer word spoken….

Orchis said...

Tour ! There's going to be a tour !

Peach said...

oh no, say it isn't true...