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Friday, November 30, 2007

Glitter for Brains At The Movies: Battlefield Earth

Oh this has been a long time coming - mostly because I wanted to get my head around Scientology a bit more. But really, as far as I can tell, putting 'Scientologist' on your application forms is equal to 'Jedi' so I say fair game. Without further ado, we proudly present...

Battlefield Earth: The Glitterfied Script


The film opens in a cave, where Humanity has been subjugated by aliens for 1000 years.

CAVE ELDER:
I shall tell you of the old Gods, the ones that are dead. The ones that clearly Christian, yes. OooooOOOOooooo! The ones that will come down and smite you!

BARRY PEPPER:
No time, old man. I must escape to... a putting green!

He does. And meets VARIOUS GRUBBY MEN before being CAPTURED by the ALIENS.

JOHN TRAVOLTA swans in. He has jazz hands. With six fingers. Because he is an alien.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Well, hellllooooo! And who's this fine young man?

FORREST WHITAKER:
He's one of the slaves that tried to escape.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Well, fancy.

THE AUDIENCE:
Ohhh. You're really going with that performance, then.

JOHN TRAVOLTA (cont):
The rat-brain shows intelligence and can operate machinery, which comes as a surprise to me, despite the planet we took over having lots of machines in the first place. I shall use him in my rather weak scheme to have leverage over everyone.

FORREST WHITAKER:
Is that the one where you betray me then I betray you and you do it back and it all goes a bit muddy when we get near the end?

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Why YES! (waves wand around like a panto fairy) And I shall be QUEEN!

THE AUDIENCE:
You know - the raised-up hair, the staggering walk, the squeaky, unintelligible voice... makes you wonder who came first, him or Amy Winehouse?

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Take that young slip of a lad and strip him naked and let me instruct him in our ways.

JOHN TRAVOLTA notices people looking at him strangely.

JOHN TRAVOLTA (cont):
I mean, lets educate him in ways of our machines so I can betray you all!

BARRY PEPPER is then forced into a machine and brain-washed with all the knowledge of the aliens.

THE AUDIENCE:
Hey, is that the thing they used on Katie Holmes?

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
And now, with this machine, I shall teach you all about our race and how wonderful it is. About how, if you donate enough money you can achieve nirva- I mean, I shall teach you how to work our machinery. Just don't open any files that list all our weaknesses, how to use our weaponry and how to destroy our home planet with one easy bomb!

FORREST WHITAKER:
Now that would be silly, wouldn't it?

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Ye-ee-ees!

He SKIPS OUT on his SPACE HIGH-HEELS.

THE AUDIENCE (watching him go):
Well we're glad someone's having fun. He's playing the whole thing as if he was in 'Chorus Line II: The Wrath of Chakka-Kahn'.

BARRY PEPPER:
Right everyone, I know all the aliens secrets. All we have to do is train ourselves in millennium-old military equipment that was left over from the year 2000 which has inexplicably still got power, fuel, and not a spot of rust on it and we can defeat them!

VARIOUS GRUBBY MEN:
But how will we train on such equipment?

THE AUDIENCE (suspiciously):
Yes I'm glad that tramp asked that.

BARRY PEPPER:
Don't worry! I've found a flight simulator over here under some coats and it'll teach us how to fly Apache helicopters in no time.

VARIOUS GRUBBY MEN:
Oh! It's just like riding a horse!

THE AUDIENCE:
Excuse me, what?

BARRY PEPPER:
Yes! We'll be able to fly these oddly immaculate aircraft in a matter of hours! Now, I must go to Fort Knox to get some gold to allay John Travolta's suspicions.

HE DOES.

BARRY PEPPER:
Here! Have some gold we mined in order for your mad plan to succeed.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
It's smelted into bars.

BARRY PEPPER:
Yes. We, uh, used weasels.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Weasels?

BARRY PEPPER:
Yes. Weasels.

A BEAT.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
Well, there you go! How marvelous!

THE AUDIENCE:
He really deserves everything that's coming to him, the stupid dick.

BARRY PEPPER:
Right - now!

And thusly a ponderous slow-motion montage of VARIOUS GRUBBY MEN attack the space aliens. Only its too dark and too slow to see who's shooting at who. And then the helicopters arrive.

BARRY PEPPER:
Blow up the alien's dome!

THE AUDIENCE:
Why?

BARRY PEPPER:
Because we need something symbolic to show the end of the film!

THE AUDIENCE:
The end? Then hop to it!

The dome is blown up, thanks to one of the Various Grubby Men. The aliens home planet is blown up thanks to one of the Various Grubby Men. BARRY PEPPER does nothing but get off with one of the Various Grubby Women.

THE AUDIENCE:
You know, I thought that Scientology was all about aliens coming down to help us and shit. Basically they're asking us to believe in something that will come down and smite us! We have enough of that with Christianity!

Somehow JOHN TRAVOLTA has survived. They lock him in Fort Knox as some sort of DRAMATIC IRONY.

JOHN TRAVOLTA:
You can't do this to me! How dare you! None of you will work in this town again!

And none of them ever did. THE END.

2 comments:

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Now you've made me want to see it. But only for John Travolta's flouncing.

Dirty. I feel dirty!

Vampire Librarian said...

Regarding Jedis vs. Scientologists, at least Jedis don't believe they're POSSESSED by evil alien spirits. No, sorry, I mean Body Thetans.

Scientologists scare me.