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Thursday, November 22, 2007

Hairplugs and Horlicks

My middle age is certain now: I found I'd purchased some Horlicks the other night. There's no going back now. My twilight years are stretching before me like the piss-stinking bry-nylon action slacks I'm sure to start favoring soon. I'll start watching 'Countdown' with a pen and paper to hand and shouting at the TV whenever the news comes on.

Heaven knows I yell at the goggle-box anyway; I had the drastic misfortune of watching the Nicolas Cage version of 'The Wicker Man' the other night, tucked up in bed before 9.30 with a warm mug beside me and a catheter at the ready. What an unmitigated pile of dross it turned out to be. Though why, I'm not surprised - has Nicolas Cage ever made a good film? No, think back... 'National Treasure'... 'The Weather Man'... 'Captain Correlli's Mandolin' - which incidentally, our local cinema didn't have any apostrophes, meaning for ages I actually thought he was called Captain Correllis Mandolin which sounded terribly romantic to me, but then I was somewhat backwards when it came to men at the time and I used to think I was lucky when the cashier made eye contact when he gave me change. For heaven's sake, Cage has been living off the success of one film for the past twenty years. I mean, it's just not done. Well, I know Liza Minnelli has made a career out of it, but then she has the audacity to drink vodka like Anna Nicole Smith and go on living, so clearly we Gentlemen Who Are Good Listeners are going to put her on some pedestal or other. Just one that isn't too high, has a handrail and a Stannah Stairlift to get up to it.

Cage, whereas. Every one of his movies tanks and I dislike anyone who can't take a hint.

Now, I haven't seen the original of 'The Wicker Man' - if I want to see podgy body doubles banging against a wall, I'd watch any Travolta sex scene where he has to be with a woman - so I had nothing to base it on other than I hear its a bit of a classic and everyone knows what the end is because its on the video cover. This version, whereas, isn't. Gone is the creepy setting that 'Balamory' is clearly based upon, and in comes the joyless feminist island where everyone's living in those homes in the background of 'The White Company' catalogue; you know, the ones that the River Island stores clearly wanted to be in the mid-nineties. Like you were really going to buy more nasty jeans if you were surrounded by antique typewriters and fishing nets.

Anyway in this film every one of the lady residents happen to be lacking in any foundations (be it make-up or garment), are a little bit humourless, and call each other 'sister'. My, it's a good job they have no TVs or radios on the island as all those clips from 'The L Word' and the Indigo Girls would be a bugger to clear.

And sleepwalking his way though this comes Nicolas Cage, bless 'im. Running his hand through his hair plugs when he wants to express any angst, slightly lifting his top lip over his unnaturally-white teeth when he wants to express anger. After an hour of slowly walking about the island we finally get to a satisfactory part where he's taken to the Wicker Man and roasted alive. Oh I tell you, there were marshmallows out in this house at that point in celebration. Hell, I'd have eaten them too if it wouldn't have given me a sugar rush and I'd have been up all night, as giddy as a schoolgirl with her pencil case full of correction fluid. It's the price to pay when you get to my age, dear viewer.

Speaking of glutton for punishment, I have a copy of 'Battlefield Earth' here, you know.

I may just warm the Horlicks and give it a go.

4 comments:

Lady Muck said...

Once again, your knack for summising saves me the job of actually watching the film... Speaking of horlicks, I might go crazy and have a jar. It is Friday night after all...

Tim said...

I do like a horlicks. Nowt wrong with that.

Angie said...

"Family Man" came on the tele here the other day and it was awful too. The only thing I ever liked Cage in was "Moonstruck". Then again, Cher was in it, so how bad could it be? :)

Qenny said...

Oh, he was okay in Face Off, and 8mm. And Moonstruck, as Angie said. However, I wouldn't have gone near The Wicker Man remake with a barge pole. The original is just too wonderful!

I wonder if they're planning remake of Rosemary's Baby. Seems to be about the only creepy classic they haven't yet destroyed.