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Friday, November 09, 2007

Old Spice

Rather in the manner of Moses' Tablets, there are several prophecies written on the back of a sacred loo door in the very first gay club that all we Gentlemen Who Are Good Listeners abide by. The third one goes thus: 'In your music collection, there will be an abundance of artists with the word 'Girls' in the title. You will love them. One will wax, one will wain, but you may only love one at a time." It's right under there under the note about Cher being the one true god and a note, in biro, about selling some old porn and a cave number, with instructions to arrive when the wife's off hunting.

And thusly this happens, whether we like it or not. In my lifetime, the Reynolds Girls begat the Spice Girls who begat Girl Thing who begat Girls Aloud. Although I'm using 'begat' in a non-literal term - I don't like the idea that the Reynolds Girls were licking up with the Spice Girls any more than you do, even though the former were the traditional shape for Ladies Wot Lez and still no-one's pointed me at a convincing boyfriend for Mel C, bless.

And so you can see our dilemma when, while we're giddy as schoolgirls with a pencil case full of leaky correction fluid waiting for the new Girls Aloud album to come out, all of a sudden the Spice Girls are back from opening whatever supermarket they've individually been doing. How should we feel? How should we react? Tell you what, lets have a look at the video shall we?

As you can see, it opens with the girls wandering into a dark wood room that kinda looks like an evil Habitat (and incidentally appears to be a very fake set) all smiling at each other with glowing respect (also fake) with an accidental close-up of Victoria's engorged breasts (you see a pattern?). They all then each grab a piece of furniture to cavort around and the song begins.

I have no problem with ballads in general, but this really is the crux of the problem with this song - much more than Miss Halliwell's Olympian abs and when Mel B lies down, her rather nasty bra gives her those ugly double boobs like someone's squeezed an icing bag too hard. But what I do have is a rosy glow about the Spice Girls being fun - recall their incompetent debut single 'Wannabe'. Four baggy-clothed teenagers and their red-haired grandmother running around and having a good time. That could have been any of us! And that's why I liked them. In this they roll around rather seriously, honking like seals while Victoria paws her straw-like thatch until Mel C comes in before the middle eight and reminds you that one of them can indeed sing, abet like she needs to blow her nose.

Don't tell me it wouldn't be dignified if they'd done something a little more upbeat. Nothing sets the gays on the dance floor more than women too old to be pretending to be teenagers hoofing it around a lit-up disco floor in a video. It's one of our essential food groups in fact; if we don't get enough our bones go weak and we end up with Adam-Ricketts. So think on.

Now we gays are a forgiving bunch, mostly because we've done so much GHB that we can't remember last week, so I'm willing to give them one more chance. You may have deserted us when we needed you the most, leaving us to the perils of Steps, but we can forgive. But, girls, if you don't start being fun, we're sticking with Girls Aloud. So think on.

Oh and no-one actually says 'looking glass' in real life anymore. Geri, you're giving away your real age again.

Have a good weekend, everyone.


Angie said...

I'm glad I wasn't the only one hugely disappointed with the new video. I was looking forward to an upbeat girls rule kind of thing and ended up with something that put me to sleep...

Qenny said...

I don't think they can possibly snatch the crown back from Girls Aloud, I really don't. This song's bad enough to have been written by Westlife (i.e. Boyzone minus the fun bits). But yes, we'll give them another chance. But only one more.

Louise said...

Have you seen this?

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Shit. I said 'looking glass' only today!