Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, January 07, 2008

The Glitter for Brains Review of the Year Part II

Still with us? Audience member not taken your seat? Well, lets crash on with the following category!

Worst Film of the Year
It was almost '300', but a late entry from another tiresome juggernaut pipped it to the post. Stand up 'I Am Legend', if its possible to do under the weight of your own self-importance.

I have no truck with Will Smith - he tries to hard to be the one man who stands out from the crowd in every film he's in. For example, 'I, Robot' has him doing the following:

i) Having his coffee with five sugars
ii) Eating pie from a dish while walking down the street
iii) Wearing his cap with one ear sticking out
iv) being the one man on Earth who doesn't trust robots
v) collects Earth antiques (so mostly the studio could do some product placement)
vi) actually saying to a cat "Hey it wouldn't work, you're a cat and I'm black" with no provocation whatsoever.

He lives to stand out. Thusly, in 'I Am Legend' he's the only human left alive. Job done, we can all go home. He can live out his exclusionary fantasy alone.

Weeeelll, apparently not. We now have a two hour marathon of him taking center stage, with the only revelation being the sex of the dog who's begrudgingly allowed some screen time. There's not enough action for it to be mainstream, and too little horror so it will get a wider box office. And I don't want to become all puritan, but the book is called 'I Am Legend' for a reason which they've completely excised in this version. Pfft. Why do they allow Akiva Goldsmith to adapt anything?! The man's responsible for 'The Da Vinci Code', 'Batman & Robin' and 'Lost in Space'. If this were a Middle Eastern country, he'd probably have his hands chopped off by now. Or at the very least, his printer cartridge snapped.

Thank heaven I didn't pay to get in to see this nonsense - the joys of knowing the 17-year-old confectionery stand functionary who's "not gay but wants to try some stuff."

Ah yes, once you pop, you just can't stop.


Anonymous said...

I actually received a DVD of I am Legend for Xmas thanks to Santa's trip to the festive black market!

I watched it the other night and I actually quite liked it. Yes, i am also glad I didn't pay the ridiculous price of £7.50 to watch the film in these parts of the country, but I didn't think it was bad... I saw worse films in 2007, such as spider-man3, which wins my vote for crappest film of the year!

Lee said...

Ah now, I never got around to seeing that. Kirsten Dunst scares me that way.

Owen Blacker said...

Y'know, I quite liked I am Legend. Though you're right, it was a wasted opportunity in the adaptation.

Still, what with The Golden Compass causing so much controversy despite having excised almost all the criticism of organised religion (which is the point, after all!), they'd never have got IAL onto the Big Screen with the lead being Christ-like.

Especially not with him being black as well!

Frank said...

I'm shocked, Lee, SHOCKED that you would prey upon an innocent naif at a concession stand to get your freebie movie jollies off! (Details!)

savante said...

Guess I will give it a miss then!

Qenny said...

Not gay but wants to try some stuff. Lee, you haven't become a narcotics trafficker have you? *tsk*

Qenny said...

Oh, and another thing ...

I have to disagree about popping and stopping. Once I pop, I usually stop right away. And fall asleep. I have once or twice had someone insist on not stopping after I popped, and they weren't given a repeat invite.