Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mind Weld

Due to their fervent body odor, I really wish that Star Trek fans weren't so often 'up in arms' as their wet-dog stench is frankly enough to stun a rampaging bull at 40 paces. But up in arms they are.

'Why this time?' you may very well ask. What's distracted them from counting red cars and doing groaning? This fervent frotting is due to the trailer for the new Star Trek film is up on the web, and rather than be grateful that their movie franchise is back on the big screen, they're already picking holes in it so large as to fly a Type-9 shuttlecraft through (oh yes, I've done my research). Apparently, according to lore, the ship was made in space, and the trailer quite clearly shows people in normal welding masks. Not Space Welding Masks, which would be sprayed silver and have flashing blue lights on.

Now I do have to agree somewhat - you build a boat in the water - but still, I wouldn't like to give them the satisfaction of saying that. I mean, even after all this time, isn't it funny to watch their predictably negative reaction to anything new? Oh yes, I love it when the ship hits the fans.

As I say, I've been doing my research, spooling through hours and hours of mediocre, beige tv. Its never actually said that the ship was built in space, only in San Francisco. Yes, the gay capital of the world is now churning out dull gray starships by the 23rd Century. What happened? The gays must have moved out! There's no way they'd let anything so drab being built practically on their hardwood decking.

Unless... welding. Plus practical ships... Plus San Francisco... equals lesbians! Yes, they're the ones that have been ladying the shipyard! Now all we have to do is ask them whether they built it on Earth or in space and the whole mystery is solved.

The thing is, as it's the 23rd Century, the movement to drop the word 'lesbian' may have gone ahead. Oh yes, at this very moment, in drinking hostels named things like 'The Furry Cup' across the world, there is a talk of a lady rebranding: lesbian gals are now favouring the word 'gayelle'. 'Lesbian' is apparently 'antiquated; it is not representative of modern times, and or, of persons with modern views'. The article then goes on to say 'Lesbian does not sound cheerful and fun'.

Yes, odd that.

I have a bit of a raised eyebrow when it comes to gays and, ahem, gayelles being in the Star Trek universe as there's never been a 'proper' Gentlemen Who Can't Catch or a Lady Who Welds Spaceships in the whole time it has been on tv. There's been the odd token, but they've always been previously married in different bodies or something typically ludicrous, or evil from a parallel universe (yes, where was Nasty Kira's evil beard? Oh wait. I just figured it out). So I say make the people building the ship true San Francisco residents. Have some kicky curtains in the ready room thanks to our more flamboyant friends. And have some Space Lesbians doing the welding. In which they would be dressed in boilersuits sprayed silver and have flashing blue lights on. And live on planet Stoke Newington.



Perry Neeham said...

I think Mr Sulu could have told you all about the docking procedures aboard the good ship Enterprise.

Stuart said...

Although i failed to mention the lesbians, you still helped me gain major respect points after casually mentioning this this to some hard core geeks at work who didn't know a new film was in production!

don't suppose you know anything about football so I could impress the butch guys in the corner?

Lee said...



Qenny said...

Trekkies can be a bit whiffy, but I blame the manufacturers of the replica uniforms for using 100% synthetic fibres.

BTW, I have to disagree with Perry Neeham - I suspect Sulu wouldn't have the tackle for a serious bit of docking.