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Friday, February 15, 2008

Tube Date

So the only action I saw on Valentine's Day was some old gimmer trying to feel me up on the tube on the way home.

I'm not kidding you. I thought it was just because the train was packed and the guy was quite old and needed someone to lean up against. But as time went on, I noticed that his liver-spotted hand that had once started pressed lightly against my thigh was now eeking further around my leg, past my house keys and towards my meat and two veg.

Well, I didn't know where to turn - literally! As it was, I was jammed in some guy's armpit the other side and it was only thanks to me wearing my work bag in a similar manner to Jane Fonda in '9 to 5' (I like to walk out the building in her tippy manner, pretending that I'm flanked by Dolly Parton and Lily Tomlin) my liberty was momentarily protected. I mean, what do you do? I'd like to say that I bellowed "Get the fuck off me, you dried-up nut-grabbing pervert!" but this was on a tube in a rush hour and I was as likely to be ostracized by the crowd for speaking. We are Londoners, you see. Human interaction happens in the colonies, what.

Thankfully, the crowd lightened at the next stop, and I firmly pushed his hand away. There was no need for vengance - the fact he had to do this on a tube to get his jollies on Valentine's Day was cruel enough.

Well that and I happened to have coughed on my hand before I steered his away from my spam javelin. I have a feeling in the next day or two he's going to get very sick...

5 comments:

Qenny said...

Passive-aggressive germ warfare - I love it!

Nick said...

Was that the Jubilee line by any chance? I've had an identical experience one evening by what sounds like the very same guy. He tried groping my boyfriend, who was able to squeeze away but I was caught in a crowd of people and couldn't get away until the bf pulled me after him.

Kathleen Bradean said...

Oh dear.
Just a hint - when you tell this story three months from now, it was hot frottage with a devastating stranger on a crowded train. Think of your audience. Your current version caused a bad case of full body ick.

ATG said...

Eww, eww, eww. Just what I love on Valentine's Day...a bit of frotteurism...

Stuart said...

You sure he wasnt blind? the poor old thing probably just though he was stoking his guide dog's head!