Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Displacement Activity

What's this? A pair of PVC trousers?

See this is the joy of working from home - you'll do anything to distract yourself when you're feeling creatively dry. And despite being on deadline, I've taken time out to clean the oven, resort my books and now go through my wardrobe. And look! These! I haven't seen these since... 1998, I think. What in heavens name was I thinking, wearing these on New Year's Eve? I seem to recall that a) you can't wear any underwear with them as you'll never get them on, and b) they offer no insulation whatsoever, so as it was colder than my stepmother's love out there that night, any genital 'area' to view that wasn't pushed up into my sternum by the overly-tight material was then shrunk down to the size of an acorn with dwarfism. Clearly all part of the 'post-op' look I was unintentionally going for.

I can't remember why I bought them. I think I was still going through my Michelle Pffiffffffffer 'catwoman' stage which all Gentlemen Who Can Cast On around my age seemingly went through. Don't deny it. To this day if you're handed a bull-whip, you pretend you're more Selina Kyle than Indiana Jones. I just know.

Hm. I wonder if they still fit? Vanity states they will, practicality states it would be like trying to get it up a drunk straight boy - which in my experience is akin to attempting to stick a marshmallow in a money box. I'll just give it a go.

Hnnn! Ooh! Ahh.


Look. Stop laughing and pointing and get me some talcum powder. And two warm spoons.

And maybe a crowbar.


Anonymous said...

lol - I just got images from that episode of Friends where Ross gets stuck in the leather trousers... if your going to use Talc, don't add water!

Kezza said...

I have to agree with Stuart, steer clear of the water!

The simple fact that you own PVC pants means you probably deserve a fair old slappin' and just because you found them in your wardrobe is no excuse to try them on again.

Pop them into the recycle bin so they can be reincarnated as some fat trolls bike seat or something. Please!