Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


I'm not a saint. Never claimed to be.

What I'm going to tell you isn't funny. If you're after some mirth, go check out the links on the left hand side til I get my act in gear for Monday.

There was a man. A rebound shag. He was tall, he was wide. I insisted that he wasn't born, he was built by the Glasgow ship yards as there was that much of him. His personality was as large and he was mostly fun to be around. We had an understanding as I'd just come out of a relationship that there wasn't much to it, we'd just mess around and if either of us wanted out, we just had to say so and it would come to an end.

So we pootled on, dining out drunkenly in Pizza Express and hanging around coffee shops putting the world to rights. But quietly, this slow, creeping background madness that he carried with him started to come to the fore. His constrictive issues about this and that, that ultimately meant he was the most appalling kisser. The fact he was still married... frankly it all started to add up. Plus I wasn't really over my ex, so I needed a bit of space to sort myself out.

So I told him. I called him on the 'I want out' clause. And this is all where my fear of his madness is wholly justified.

He didn't accept it. Moved the goalposts. Huge screes of emails and threads on communal websites about reading here and Facebook updates for a hint of what he did wrong. He sent me a copy of 'Peter Pan' with passages underlined - something about kissing. Enclosed in the package was a thimble. A thimble! Where on God's green Earth do you get a thimble in this day and age? All this time ignoring the repeated 'I need space' pleas from me, and thus driving a further wedge between us with his needy ways.

I got the package around Feb 12th. When I didn't respond to this, he went and did the most heartless and cruel thing I've ever had the misfortune to witness: he went off and seduced my ex.

Not cruel and heartless for me; he has since admitted knowingly generating a relationship with the express wish of telling my ex all about us two. I shall repeat this diabolical fact: he deliberately went into a relationship with a callous need to expend information that would be harmful to his then-partner. I'm sorry, but that's not even humane. To start an affair to tear someone down just sends a chill down my spine. And with this added to the fact that he clearly wanted to do this to get back at us, trampling over both my and my ex's feelings just to fulfill some inner need for attention is horrific.

I am utterly livid about this. The old Lee would sit, grumble and then kick something silently. Oh no, not now. I am so angry that another person can do this to one of my friends really makes me doubt human nature. The irony is that he's training to improve people, when clearly he's so adept at tearing into other people, himself included.

There. I have unspooled, like an old fashioned reel-to-reel. If you got this far, thank you for listening and I hope my reactions aren't too extreme. For the rest of you, normal service will be resumed on Monday.

* * * *


The previous is amended slightly as yesterday I got threatened with legal action about the above entry. Bemused, I phoned my lawyer.

"Well, he hasn't really got a leg to stand on," he said. "You just got to ask yourself, is he the kind of person to push this through just on principle?"

We both reread the entry and there was an odd silence.

I thank you all for all your support, as ever (I really do think I have some of the nicest readers on the planet. You're all wonderful and completely unhinged. And thank you to that nice Italian grandmother who reads this. Benedicali madre, voi sono meraviglioso! But no, I don't want you to send your two strapping lads around to 'sort him out'. Well, not to him anyway. Grin). As one reader said 'He sounds completely, weirdly wrong. As in wrong and broken. He's all about feelings and ownership and so on. He spends his entire life being told to fuck himself, and clearly, if he could, he would.'

I asked the lawyer about that. Apparently we can't say any specifics about him, but saying that and calling him weird and tubby and opportunistic is fine. Viva justice, I say.


Kathleen Bradean said...

Wow. A new all time low in the history of bastardom. This is why some people should be tagged with warning labels.

Dars Lars said...

Vent dear vent. Just remember your a nice person and he's a twat. Dont lose faith in people as amongst the nutters out there , there are some gems. and dont think lose faith in your ex, he is proberly hurting as well and no doubt has sussed what this gu is up to. If you need him sorted out point him in the direction of the Admiral tonight. Had the boss over from India all week and I have been eating meat so iam up for a fight!!!

The Dolly Bird said...

My empathy klaxon sounded so much I've had to dig out my old blogger account just to say:
you're amazing, he is not.

LJC said...

He sounds massively fucked in the head, sweet. And I am glad you are well out of it, but angry on your behalf all the same. Vent away.

*hugs you tightly to bosoms*

If I did not live so far away, I would arrive on your doorstep with something made of chocolate, and something made of whiskey, and a selection of Clive Owen dvds, for to distract.

Anonymous said...

He is a dick and you are fabulous.

Kezza said...

Oh my lording lord.

There is nothing worse than the goal-post shifting nutjobs like that. My heart goes out to you, as I know exactly what it can be like.

On the plus side though, he hasn't moved in with your next door neighbour and impregnated her daughter.

This might be rough but you'll come out of it much wiser. I promise

Gaymosexual said...

Holy fuck. Point me in the direction of this turd so I can hang a 'Biohazard' sign around his toxic neck then kick him in the face repeatedly.

What a fucking shit.

mainja said...

wow. what a complete and utter ass.

mainja said...

oh, and *great big hug*

(i mean that enough that i'm willing to go through the bloody word verification thing again...)

Eden said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I oncemet somelike that. We met (with my current boyfriend at the time) just as friends. He seemed nice, but slowly started stalking me. He started phoning my parents home at gone midnight to see where I was, and even once sat in his car outside the house! When I confronted him he ran off to my boyfriend and started telling him ally these lies that he know would effect our relationship. He was crazy! In the end I told him I would contact the police and the stalking seemed to stop.

Orchis said...

John Lewis of course - for thimbles that is.

Ian Betteridge said...

He is a tit, you are wonderful, and it's about time you came round for Sunday lunch again!

Lippy said...

You have a very good lawyer there.
He is absolutley spot on with every bit of that advice.

If your coming out for dinner I'll tell you all about "" - that was a fantastic case!

Anonymous said...

Legal action ? It's not as if you identified him in any way. What a total moron.

Ms C Qrisp said...

When you put 'stalking celebrities' in the banner, I expect you never dreamed one day you'd attract a bunny-boiler of your very own. I won't pretend that I'm not jealous, although it does sound like a pathetic specimen.

I recalls hearing that Ms Eleanor Roosevelt got even in a way that was almost cruel; she forgave... but I wouldn't propose anything so drastic. Relegate him to a footnote in your memoirs; given his tendancy to clamour in a melodramatic fashion for attention, that will irk more than anything.

Perry Neeham said...

He sounds not only stoopid but nasty with it.

Mudlark said...


Stupid, nasty - and hilarious. He's going to stand up in court and publicise the humiliation he's taking you to court to prevent? HOOOHAAA!

Ms Qrisp is right. Ignore the silly phckr.

Bless you dear, btw. You brighten up an otherwise very dreary antipodean day.

//Slinking back into the shadows//

Tickersoid said...

Calm down. Ultimately, everything is seen for what it is and very little matters in the great scheme of things.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

This creature sounds like it should be put out of its misery.
When's Uber-Twat hunting season start?

Poor Lee. Just carry on being fabulous!

Dantallion said...

Your anger is so incredibly justified - I'd probably not have been nearly as restrained as you managed so far.

Big Hug, and if psycho dickhead is reading this: Go to bed, you sick motherfucker.

Spike said...

What Mudlark and Device dear said.

We love you. He is a tool.

Dazskins said...

There are hundreds of us out here who never leave comments, but are still feeling for you. I just wanted to make the effort to sign in make sure you knew...
What an @rsehole.

CyberPete said...

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...
He is a dick and you are fabulous.

And I totally agree.

It must be the weather, I know someone who's experienced something similar not that long ago.

Lee said...

Thank you all. I adore you.

Joel said...

I agree with all the vituperation left by the other. I'm reluctant to say this, though, because it makes me feel stupid, but: what's the thimble about?