Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Giving Up

Well, seemingly overnight, all the gay men in London have turned into lesbians.

Now you know I'm not proud. I will stoop to 'Order In' from premiere dating website Gaydar now and again, braving its ghastly colours and gamut of elderly gentlemen in sportswear saying 'm8' a lot in order to sort a diamond from the rough. But correct me if I'm wrong - the primary function on that site is for Gentlemen Who Moisturise to meet up with similarly like-minded (and loose-moralled) wendys and get together for a bit of the ol' slap-and-tickle. And yet, almost all boys that I've been talking to have always suggested 'meeting up for a pint' or even more terrifying, 'a coffee'. New users beware! This then leads you into a sexually ambiguous area where the whole night is spent pondering on whether they're really interested, whether in fact you are that interested now they've opened their mouth (or more correctly, now they've opened their mouth to speak) while you have to trot out the same old small talk about jobs, careers, and what you're reading at the moment.

Over the last month alone, I have had the misfortune to meet:

* a tiresome fellow who was trying so hard to be cool, it took him a full 30 seconds to rev up to an answer. It was like having a satellite call to Reykjavik.

* a gentleman with such severe OCD that he would only drink red drinks

* innumerable people who have been using old photos on their profiles (and while I do look for giveaway signs like 90s hair and Levellers posters in the background, some still slip through the net). They're sent packing within the first two minutes, let me tell you

* a youngster who countered every question with '...well, what would you like to do..?' That got old very quickly.

Terrible evenings, all. You know, there's some little girl who had been missing for three weeks and turned up after being abducted by her step-uncle, and the BBC reported she spent her first night back in police company watching films and playing with a kitten. I thought she'd had it made! What a great way to spend a night. And she's probably had more cock than I have in the last fortnight, lucky cow.

7 comments:

Coastal Queer said...

You think you have problems. Out in the styx there is no online carry out under 55. One finds himself contemplating the merits of rohypnol to speed the process when you have to go through the 'coffee/drink charade'.

I though we were all aware that gaydar was specifically for intercourse, not discourse.

Kezza said...

I think my Gaydar winner was a guy who only had four "amusing" stories to tell for the night and none of those took very long to tell so he repeated them over and over again during the course of the evening. I found myself drinking coffee like a maniac in the hope I'd become so caffinated I'd pass out.

I tend to agree with you re: kidnapped bint, a night watching films and playing with a kitten would be exceptional, as kittens are just too cute but dating is not and I think I actually want a kitten.

Oh, sweet merciful christ-on-a-bike, this makes me sound somewhat unhinged doesn't it?

Lee said...

I'm not going to comment, naturally.

JF said...

Gotta say, mate, that last comment about Shannon Matthews was a bit poor taste...

Perry Neeham said...

Ever since Gaydar has evolved into a social networking site rather than an online version of Chariots, I've been mining a rich vein of sex on the Recon site. The punters may be a bit weird (OK, deeply weird) but they, er, know what they want.

surly girl said...

jf - that was the bit that might me laugh out loud...

surly girl said...

might????

*made*