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Friday, May 09, 2008

Meanwhile, in the Head Mistress' Study...

Now come in and sit down, Madonna. Please don't look so surly as this is for your own good, my dear girl.

Now, I'd like to talk to you about copying. Ah-ah-ah, please don't interrupt - I know you have been doing it for many years and we've often turned a blind eye, but this latest report you've handed in is just ridiculous. Did you do anything in this at all?

Now don't go all silent on me, missy. Answer the question.

No, I don't think writing your name on the front is work enough, frankly. And I know some of the younger children are very easily led, but that doesn't mean that you can keep getting them to do all your work for you. Take that nice William in the year below... I'm sorry, that nice 'Will.i.am'. (I tell you, Mrs Callorat from the English department regrets the day she did her 'Fun With Punctuation!' class with the fourth year...) He's very good at what he does, but doesn't mean that you can just come in and waltz off with the credit. It's just not the done thing, dear.

Please stop doing yoga when I'm speaking to you. There's a name for girls who can get their ankles above their heads, and let me tell you it's not a pleasant one.

Now I have to say that I was a little dubious when you announced you were going to do some hipperty-hoppity music for your next project. Some people even laughed in the staff room, but I thought 'No. Let her have a go.' Because we hope to be forward viewing here at this school - heavens, if we let Avril Lavine get away with it, you should at least have a go at being one of those human beat boxes. Our one fear would be that you'd try and drag the music into a more commercial area, thus rendering it without message, and using slightly-dated accompaniments to mainstream the package. Well, actually, my one fear would be you used a terrible font on the cover, but it seems that looking at this that both of were totally justified.

Are you chewing gum? No, yes you are. I saw you put it in your mouth while I was talking. Spit it out, child. Honestly, I'm trying to make you into a lady! As such, lets not forget that summer project you did called... well, I don't wish to say that word, thank you. The 'Ess-Eee-Exx' word. I saw some of those pictures that were in it. Do you not own any nice blouses, dear?

Yes I'm aware that by not embracing the inner goddess I'm leaving myself open to be penetrated by a phallicentric world. But some of us like a high neckline, thank you very much.

Don't tut. Ladies don't tut.

Some of the staff are saying that you haven't done any proper work since you stopped hanging around with that nice Sandra Bernhart girl - you know, the one who was very good at hockey. And shop class. Whatever happened there? You two used to be as thick as thieves back in the day! Maybe she was your muse! You know, from your Greek classes? No? Honestly, does anything get through that hair-do? I despair sometimes, I really do!

Don't slouch, dear. And don't mumble.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to fail you for this latest effort. I was hoping that you'd talk me around, but I can see your heart really isn't in it, is it? Is it? No, its not. The one good thing I can say about you is that you are prolific in your work, so there'll be another one along in a minute. Just one more thing, dear: please stop getting the A/V boys to touch up your year-book picture. We've now spent the whole Art Department budget.

1 comment:

LĂ©onie said...

"Do you not own any nice blouses, dear?"

Brilliant.