Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, May 30, 2008


Shakes fist at sky.

Why, Lord? Why do you tempt me like this?!

First canteen functionary, now there's a new gym functionary started. And, by the One True God Cher, he is beautiful. Kind of like Jean-Claude Van Damme, but done properly. You know. Not wearing those paedoscope glasses he's taken to now. And actually fills out a pair of underwear, rather than bothering the inside of his jeans crotch with something the look, feel and shape of a button mushroom, bless.

Not that I've been looking, mind. He just happened to stroll by to the showers with his towel hanging halfway down while my eyes were on stalks. Good Cher, you could break coconuts on those abs. And his forearms? Like bloody lift cables!

Troublingly, he has that easy sexuality where he's comfortable with both men and women looking at his body. Encourages it, in fact. He even stopped me the other day and offered to train me with that knowing 'Oh look, I know you're gay. You'll like me doing squat thrusts in front of you. Want to pay me money for the privilege?' smile.

My own personal trainer is clearly nervous about this attention that I'm giving the new guy out the corner of my eye. He actually came in and presented me with a bottle of port this morning. What should one do when one's gym instructor now becomes your food enabler? I mean, this is a dilemma for a gay man along the lines of Schrodiner's Cat! It's like asking 'Who's your favorite, Maggie Smith or Judy Dench?' and watching a Gentleman Who Moisturises spin out of control into a glittering heap.

I'm looking forward to my fella getting back from Ireland. It'll take all this temptation off the table once and for all! It's not like I'm heading off to Sitges in a couple of weeks on my own, is it...?

Laughs nervously. Looks shifty.


Jeff said...

Who would dare make one choose between Dame and Damer?

Kezza said...

Sweet merciful Christ on a bike, you simply must stop with these reports of the men who tempt you. Here I am slaving away over a hot desk at work on a Saturday morning (and obviously working very hard) and I come across this!

Somehow I don't think a raging erection is suitable office attire.

Besides, if he looks like Jean-Claude he's more than entitled to a button mushroom, of course if he carries around a bit more than that, well... *swoon*