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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Glitter for Brains At The Movies: Sex And The City

My current relationship is somewhat of a cultural exchange: Ryan teaches me about the Arden folio of Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night' and I take him to see the 'Sex and the City' movie. So how about a glitterized script?

Now, normally in these situations, 'The Audience' the voice of reason in an otherwise appalling film. This case, however, Ryan and I were surrounded by rows upon rows of women clearly stuck to their seats in couture-based ecstasy, whooping like ravening maenads whenever someone opens a shoe box. So we're having to play that part as we present:

SEX AND THE CITY: THE GLITTERIZED SCRIPT
Warning: contains spoilers

Open upon New York, and SARAH JESSICA PARKER walks the streets wearing a fucking ridiculous frock.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (VOICE OVER):
Meanwhile, in New York, when my movie career didn't take off, four women all got together to do a film that will be shown on hen nights across the globe for the next ten years.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Oh no, my life is so hard that I can't decide whether to live in this penthouse apartment, or this penthouse apartment. All while trying match my shoes with my fucking hideous frocks.

ME:
I'm so glad real life doesn't intrude on her existence one little bit.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Oh don't worry! I'll introduce you to a real life black person later! She will be subservient to me, though. And I will teach her to love couture as much as I love me!

ME:
Er, will she be treated as an equal? And introduced to your other harpy girlfriends?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Er, no. But I'll be seen out with her in a bar. And I'll buy her a drink..!

THE AUDIENCE:
Hahahaaa! She likes shoes too! That's purrty!

ME AND RYAN ROLL OUR EYES.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (VOICE OVER):
Meanwhile, I have to wonder what's going on over in Hollywood, where Kim Catrall is having a separate storyline to fuel the rumours that we couldn't stand each other on set. I have to wonder...

CUT TO:
KIM CATRALL:
Jason Lewis, I'm leaving you. For purely selfish reasons, although I have to say that in between the series and this film, someone seems to have replaced the skin on your face with that of a worn leather saddlebag. I am, however, keeping this ring you bought for me. And every time I look down on it, yes, look down on it, I shall think of you.

ME:
Blimey. What's the the word for men-hating?

RYAN:
Misandry.

ME:
(POINTING AT SCREEN). Yes, that.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Meanwhile, I have to wonder what's going on in my life. I'm just about get married, so I can tart around in a fucking hideous frock for a while while the audience coos.

THE AUDIENCE:
Coo...

CHRIS NOTH (OVER THE PHONE):
Sarah Jessica Parker, I can't do this.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (OVER THE PHONE):
But why? I'm stamping my feet like a princess and everything!

CHRIS NOTH (OVER THE PHONE):
We need something to bring this overly long film to slow stop later on.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (OVER THE PHONE):
OK! See you in about three hours!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (VOICE OVER):
Meanwhile, as Big was treating me like dirt, over the other side of Manhattan, Cynthia Nixon was also getting wiped over.

DAVID EIGENBERG:
I've slept with someone else.

CYNTHIA NIXON:
I'm frigid, get out.

ME:
Are we meant to make any correlation between Cynthia Nixon not sleeping with men, and Not Sleeping With Men, do you think.

THE AUDIENCE:
We don't like her as much. She doesn't talk about shoes.

Because their lives are SO HARD, all four women go on the HONEYMOON together. SARAH JESSICA PARKER spends all the time moping around until KRISTIN DAVIS shits herself. THE AUDIENCE falls about laughing like this is the FUNNIEST THING they have ever BORNE WITNESS to.

THE AUDIENCE:
It is funny because she is normally so composed and now she's ruined her couture! Hahahaa!

ME:
Cattrall and Parker are never in the same shot, are they?

SARAH JESSICA PARKER (VOICE OVER):
Meanwhile, I have to wonder what was happening with Kristin Davis...

KRISTIN DAVIS:
I'm pregnant!

THE AUDIENCE:
Coo...

RYAN:
Oh god, another sub-plot? This movie is far too long!

ME (WEAKLY):
What time did we get in here?

RYAN:
2008.

After what feels like an actual period of nine months, KRISTIN DAVIS gives birth. By some contrived method, CHRIS NOTH is there, and he and SARAH JESSICA PARKER hook back up again. They GET MARRIED finally.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Wee! It's all about me again!

CUT TO:
KIM CATTRALL'S 50th birthday party in a SWANKY NEW YORK BAR.

ME:
Fifty? FIFTY?!

RYAN:
Perhaps it's after tax.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Meanwhile, I have to wonder what have we learned, ladies? I've learned that men do unspeakable things, and the only way that we women can be happy is to forgive men their nasty deeds and let them walk all over us.

KIM CATTRALL:
And I only gain personal happiness by acting like a man and walking all over someone else!

SARAH JESSICA PARKER:
Meanwhile, here's to us! Proving that any heartache can be solved with a nice pair of shoes and a fashion montage involving a comedy tutu. Now lets drink a cosmo and an inflated share of the profits!

THE AUDIENCE:
Must... buy... cosmopolitans... must... buy.... couture... must... buy... into... whole... ethos...

THE END.

8 comments:

Jane said...

I've got two hen nights in my immediate future, I'm shuddering already.

Qenny said...

A delightful read, although now I'll have to pretend not to know what's coming next when my Lovely Husband™ drags me along to see it.

Clarissa said...

Oh! It must be exactly the same in every theatre. In my case, I was you; my Mista was your Ryan. All the hens were friggin there. I think I'd rather swoon and cluck at you than friggin Sex and the City.

Kezza said...

I used to be something of a SATC fan, only mildly though mind you, however I've heard enough people shit all over this turkey to make me avoid it. As you say I'll be stapped to a chair and my eyes held open at some ridiculous hens night at some stage and the horrors will be revealed to me there.

Here's hoping HBO ditches all plans of a Soprano's movie. There's one series they really don't need to ruin.

Jennifer said...

Brilliant. Brava! Brava!

Kathleen Bradean said...

I've never been so glad that I stopped watching TV.*





*Except for important things like incomprehensible Japanese game shows and Mythbusters (Because they light things on fire and blow stuff up.)

Adamgv said...

I think a better plot for the story would be all the girls get rich like in the show "Roseanne". But instead of just wasting the money, they help people like the homeless. Then they would truly be a success .

Ken said...

Good. Now I have an excuse not to watch it.

I've never even watched the series, yet a few friends are discussing a regular get together to watch the entire series...

Perhaps after downing a bottle of vodka, it could be tolerable... LOL