Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Getting To Know The Bar Staff

My mother came to visit, and I took her to see a psychic. Which she won't tell me anything about, so clearly I'm about to get a New Dad. I'm hoping that he's squinty and cuddly - like Richard Gere is now, or anyone they pair Sally Fields up with in 'Brothers & Sisters'. As an aside, I'm only about five episodes in to season one of 'Brothers & Sisters', but I'm loving how I want to applaud and say "Miss Sally Fields, everyone!" after every scene she walks off with. Which is most of them.

Anyway. For some reason whenever she visits, my mother and I always end up in Soho, and we were walking past the Shadow Lounge, which is another one of those velvet-tinged bars for the Gentlemen Who Won't Really Be Watching The Olympics Until The Gymnastics Comes On. I'd taken her in there one night a few years back when she'd finally split from my father for the final time, and it had gone down in lore as the 'night my mother got drunk and pole-danced', gawd bless her. No, really. You know when, in sit-coms, when they say "Is your mother alright with you being gay?" and they cut to a montage of the character's mother draped over drag queens, flirting with the bar men and dancing with a bottle of champagne in her hands on the dance floor? Well, basically that happened for real. Oh and she pole danced. And tried to turn the chief cocktail maker.

Who was beautiful. The woman clearly has impeccable taste.

I pointed it out as we wandered past. "Oooh, Danny worked there..!" she said, leaving me impressed that she'd actually learned his name. They're all called 'functionary' in my head. "Oh he was lovely, he was," she continued as we walked. "He was almost mine, I tell you. No, he was! He appreciated a woman who knew exactly how she wanted her ice in her mojito." In her case, not in the glass - so there was more room for percentage.

She pointed at the next window along. "Oh and he looks familiar too! Did he serve me? I definitely remember him from somewhere."

"I do hope not, mother. That's Prowler. That's an advert for a film. And he's a gay porn star."

At least she had the decency to look sheepish.


Anonymous said...

Ha! You do cheer me up most mightily. s x

Spike said...

What the tart said.