Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Even I, a comitted Gentlemen Who Was Picked Last In Sport, hasn't failed to notice that the Olympics has started happening. Mostly because there was a huge fanfare when the British won a gold (we never normally win anything; not since they banned the 100 Meter Queuing event, with freestyle tutting) and they tried to make it interesting for me by letting off lots of fireworks and making the stadium all sparkly. And you know me - I go a bit giddy whenever glitter is around. I once lost three months when someone put some tinsel on my monitor one festive season.

My interest was further piqued this morning when I happened across the... Mens Jumping Off A Diving Board Together At The Same Time, or whatever they call it. Goodness, what fine specimens they ship in! I hadn't seen the like... well, since it was dubbed, and in a Hungarian hotel room. Except for one of our British entries. He's fourteen. You don't know where to look, you really don't. Your brain's going 'Mmmph! Thighs that could crack a Creme Egg! And look at those arms!' before going 'Oh yes, and he's FOURTEEN.' And it's not helpful that he's in his Speedo's for the paedos.

It was helpfully pointed out that he's a) now out of the competition (see? A true Brit! I shall wave my Union Jack feebly and roll my eyes) and b) he'll be 18 by the time our shambles of an event occurs down the road in Stratford. What a mess that's going to be, and I do pity the organisers who had to sit through China's budget-draining opening and think 'Fuck me, we have to follow that'. We're just going to get them on the day of the opening ceremony panicking, putting crisps out in bowls and wondering if booking the recently-reformed Steps was a good idea. Forget billion-pound state-of-the-art graphics, we're going to get PowerPoint!

Give up now, I tell you.


Kathleen Bradean said...

I'm envisioning Morris dancers.

Kezza said...

Oh I think it'll be fantastic in 12 (err does that look right to you, should you say 012 or the fully formal 2012?) Anyway, I'm looking forward an opening ceremony that celebrates things like a cricket team which now gets beaten by all the countries England originally invaded, an interpretive dance showing the struggles of all your drug addled pop stars, and nothing says Mother England like deep fried food, make sure that gets a showinf somehow. I think you should celebrate it all while hundreds of thousands of people look on and try desperately to keep warm!

Dazskins said...

I love you. You have done the impossible and cheered me up on a day when I needed you most. If you weren't already damned for previous offences you might have just made it into heaven.

Perry Neeham said...

Those one-piece black waders that swimmers now wear is proof that progress is not always beneficial. It's not just paedos who like speedos y'know!

I'll just have to console myself with the dvd boxed set of the mens gymnastics, an industrial sized flagon of poppers and a box of tissues.

Spike said...

Cheese rolling.