Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I Always Push Back

Sex is a funny business, isn't it? I mean if you think about it, statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

As it happens I've been thinking about the 'beast with two backs' (or I suppose its 'one back' if you're a Gentleman Who Knows At Least One Joan Rivers Line) because I've not been actually able to have any for a while. Ryan's busy off doing his dissertation, squirreled away in his Bethnal Green bedsit to write about Clever Things by the light of one candle and hopefully not die of tuberculosis as is the fashion with that bourgeois set he hangs around with.

Meanwhile, while my supply has been cut off, I'm finding that sex is being thrust into my face with a regularity akin to that of a willing air hostess on a long-haul flight. And from the most unexpected sources too: Dame Helen Mirren of all things! I mean, I know she got her floury baps out in 'Calendar Girls', but I prefer to not to believe she's got a sex drive, let alone a graying 'gutted Ewok' in her undercrackers. And then, all of a sudden, she's taking about getting date-raped.

The thing is, its Dame Helen Mirren when she was young, so I can't help but picture it occurring in some Whitechapel bar during a pea-souper, when someone spiked her snuff box with the east end's finest opium, leaving some gentleman lasciviously twirling his mustache as she falls graciously backwards onto a daybed. He'd then say "Top hole!" before removing his stovepipe hat and loosening his britches...

I think we'll fade from that little scene before I have to start using the term 'snuff box' as a euphemism.

Meanwhile, from a different direction, there was a lengthy discussion about what counted as sex with a group of friends on Saturday night. Clearly by this point I was chomping at the bit for what we British call 'a portion', so a two hour debate on, for want of a better phrase, the 'ins and outs' of sex was clearly just what I needed. However, I did hear this delightful tale about a soldier friend of one of the dining companions who had a bit of a predilection for transvestites. Or rather, being banged rather hard from behind by a man in a dress.

The interesting twist on this was that he refused to admit he was gay at all. Not one iota. He was 100% straight. He just happen to buck against a cock in a frock when it came to getting his rocks off. And you know how he justified this? With this immortal line:

"I'm not gay, because gays push back."

Brilliant.

Sigh. All this chattering about it isn't helping. And as a birthday treat, Ryan's taking me to see 'Matthew Bourne's Dorian Gray' tonight. So a stage full of lithe dancers in stitch-all playing a homoerotic fantasy? In this state? We'll be lucky if the south of London isn't milkily destroyed in a 'Spooks Code 9' style.

I tell you, when I finally get Ryan alone, I fear it'll be delivered in a similar speed, quantity and consistency of cavity insulation, the poor lad...

7 comments:

Jams said...

Sigh. Only if.

Qenny said...

Ah well, between the shit summer and the winter that's just around the corner, I'm sure Ryan will fully appreciate having a well-insulated cavity.

robert said...

mmmm cavity insulation .... what's not to love -- we all need our cavities well insulated.

Kezza said...

I think it's pretty safe to assume I'll be giggling about Dame Helen Mirren's snuff box all weekend now.

I certainly hope you get your end in soon (or that you get ended by Ryan's in). If not there is always this wonderful contraption known as the internet, which contains a rather large amount of images of men who've misplaced their clothes, browse a few of those and I believe the solution should fall nicely to hand.

Otherwise have a fabulous weekend darling, I look forward to reading all about soon!

Tickersoid said...

Ahhhh, to give Dame Helen a dig in the whiskers.....

Where's my uncut copy of 'Caligula'....

savante said...

And you haven't even seen Cloris Leachman talking about fucking John Stamos with a dildo! :)

CyberPete said...

Oh my!

What's not to like about a little cavity insulation?