Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Visitors

So, this week, Ryan moved in with me.

Hold up, hold up. Don't go buying hats for the wedding just yet - it's only a trial thing while he sorts out a new place some point down the line. But I have to say I'm enjoying having the little scamp around, not just because he's great company, but because my wardrobe just doubled and he can do all the hard bits on Mario Galaxy for me while I'm opening the champagne. Oh and all of a sudden, my herb rack has doubled. Ah, you can tell that it's serious if a Gentleman Who Owns More Than One Cookbook allows the merging of their spices. Its as momentous as the moment where you let them see you without your hair done first thing. You want to know if a gay relationship is going well, check the herb rack: the Harissa Explains It All.

I have to say I worried about... you know... bedroom shenanigans. As a slight aside, did you know there's a term called 'Lesbian Bed Death'? It sounds like something out of 'Blake's 7' in my mind, but my former lesbina housemate explained it me (thankfully without diagrams - my only experience of a lady's 'area' is on my Rapunzel Barbie) while she sorted the house's wifi in under thirty minutes. Apparently, when two Ladies Wot Lick are in a relationship for some time, the sex just goes out the window. I mean, quicker than with those filthy and unnatural heterosexuals! It turns out a woman's base drive often is to nest, and when you have two women together... well. Short of sellotaping postcards of Angelina Jolie to each other's foreheads after putting on a new Be Good Tanyas album, there'll be no muff-frotting at all. In fact I knew one couple who got more enthused about making a new bed than actually doing anything in it; it was the closest they'd got to 'tongue and groove' in years.

Well, my concern is the other way, which is often the case. You know, too much of it. Well... He's 23 and I take so much zinc that I could recoat a garage door with my breath. In fact, last weekend, I was done so hard that it took me two days for my backside to realise it was an exit as well as an entrance. For two whole days, I daren't sit on a barstool in case I slide right down it and found myself sitting on the floor at the same time.

We're just going to have to put bromide in our tea and get out the bedroom. It's the only way we're going to be able to use all those bloody herbs.


Louise said...

My high school chemistry teacher used to joke about putting salt peter the cafeteria's mashed potatoes... maybe that'd work for him as he's just a tiny bit older than the 10th-graders?

(but on a serious note - I'm really happy that you're happy)

Kathleen Bradean said...

Dear Louise:

Happy people do not make funny blog entries. They make sappy ones. If he posts a puppy picture, and it's not a rubber fetish suit, I'm going to be seriously steamed at you for encouraging his love life.

Southern Sun said...

Dear Kathleen:

I concur! Possibly for all the wrong reasons, most of which involve distracting me from the man picking his nose across the airport terminal.

But still! More cynics, fewer idealists: It makes for good reading! Even when laughing alone and spraying coffee over your trousers.


Christopher said...


Spike said...

What Louise said.

Skip said...

i love how even your sweet entries are contain at least one eye-watering image.

PS: Harissa Explains It All? You're going to Heal's.

Frank said...

You got "Clarissa Explains It All" in the UK?!? Ah, the Atlantic alliance at work... Wasn't that show the best?

Oh, and I hate you for getting all that sex. Bitch.

Dazskins said...

Domestic bliss is definitely affecting your update-rate. I was hoping for more news on the cohabitation this week, but now I'm going on holiday for two weeks, and I'll be worrying about how you're getting on (let alone climbing off...).

British Gal Does Tokyo said...

Isn't the het version of LBD called marriage?
Hope your domestice arrangements are still going swimmingly.