Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Out of Control



So I have a long standing belief that Nicola from Girls Aloud is a robot. An evil cyborg from the future who will insist that every band has a member with dead, shark-like eyes, and the grace of a giraffe on roller skates during any dance routine in a video. You know that bit in 'Blade Runner', where Rachel introduces Deckard to the fake owl? I imagine that is what happens whenever Nicola is wheeled out before record executives:

"Do you like our Nicola?"
"It's artificial?"
"Of course it is."
"Must be expensive."
"You'd be surprised."

Anyway the reason why I bring this up is that Girls Aloud have a new album out and it's all... well, a bit mechanical. I've long known that I'm about five degrees out with the population's tastes as a whole - for one, why oh why do you all find mimsy covergirl Zac Effron so attractive? He looks like a skinned chicken sponsored by Rimmel. I mean I've seen corpses with more discrete make-up jobs. But I digress - new Girls Aloud! I should be doing cartwheels around the bar but I'm sitting with my arms folded, willing to be impressed, rather like my mother when I bring yet another gentleman caller home for Christmas and say that "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him and he's my one true love." Poor woman's has found those electronic photo frames an utter godsend - she no longer has to pop down to Jessops to develop a new snap of someone who probably won't make it past the twelth day of Christmas. I can just email her a photo of the Current Mrs Binding, and as an added bonus, can have some shots of Lee Majors circa 'The Fall Guy' on rotate too, bless her.

Anyway! Five degrees out. I usually listen to an album and think 'oh yes, that'd make a good single' and whatnot and am constantly proved wrong by the music industry. So perhaps this new commercial sound is a good thing? Building on their success of 'Call the Shots' (again a song I could take or leave but the general public thought it was great). But that's the rub - I've never liked Girls Aloud for their professionalism, hence why I'm so obsessed with Nicola. I don't want polished songs, I want them clattering down Chippy Alley at 3am and smelling of Babycham and regret. Take the cover for instance:



The album is called 'Out of Control' and look at them! They're going WILD in that clean, white room, aren't they? Ho, they're utterly shameless! Nicola has got her feet on a chair! Get your cyborg hooves off that nice dining room chair, NicolaBot! You're utterly out of control!

So. I'm 15 times through the album and not that struck, and still recovering from the realisation that the "Promise I made, promise I made, starting to fade, starting to fade" bit of their current single is actually the theme tune to 'Blankety Blank'. I keep going back to it in the vain hope I'm wrong, and that there is some stand-out track that will cheer me. Sigh. Instead they should have just let (INCOMING GEEKY GALACTICA REFERENCE) Nicola just cover 'All Along The Watchtower' and be done with it.

I do have to be a little careful about what I write about my favorite foursome and their mechanical friend after one blogger is up in court for writing about killing them on some porn site. Ahaha. As if I'd do that.

The Sugababes, whereas...

Have a good Halloween, all.

9 comments:

Dazskins said...

The 5 degrees out thing isn't just me, then?! I KNEW I couldn't be the only one! I never once picked the correct potential singles on a new Steps album (ask your Mums, children), despite a frantic need to prove my musical brilliance by attempting it every time...

Inexplicable DeVice said...

I'm never going to be able to take Bladerunner seriously again, now.

Happy Hallowe'en!

CyberPete said...

all the blonde girl in the blue dress needs is a yellow heart on her dress and she'd be able to star in Kylies Hand on your Heart video.

Nicola is hilarious. Totally adore the poor girl. Bless.

Never Stop The Europop said...

Borg Queen! :D

I thought their last album was bland too, apart from "Girl Overboard". Don't know why everyone was raving about it. "Call The Shots" was uninspiring, and "Sexy! No No No" didn't really work apart from the first 30 seconds. They're best when they stick to electro, like "The Show" with its awesome synth riffs, and "Biology" with its brilliant structure. That said, I quite like "The Promise". Only quite though.

They should totally cover "All Along The Watchtower" - although I'm still holding out for the Samuel T. Anders electro version...

Jams said...

And the award for Worst Font On An Album Cover Goes To...

Love this earlier promo shot, though.

OMO said...

Hmmm, you should try The Saturdays' album. Like the new Girls Aloud album I thought it was all a bit mechanical, until I caught myself singing random album tracks. Somehow they've got in my head and won't let go. Trouble with The Saturdays is they're a bit bland. Not enough sicking up in gutters or random regional accents.

Tabby said...

I just can't understand her rejection of fake tan. I am fair skinned myself and i know the power of blusher!!

Lee said...

the more I hear about them, the more I'm drawn to the Saturdays, Omo. They sound delectably cheap.

And yes, Nicola really should get some colour in her. I saw her walk in front of a light and you could see almost right the way through her.

Pandora Caitiff said...

So it's just me? I am Nicola's entire fanbase?

Can I keep her then? I promise to change her oil, and feed her whatever cyborg giraffes eat...