Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Recommended For You

Now. I usually don't care what most people think of me - clearly with the notable exception of you, darling reader. As a child of the internet age, I've been stationed everywhere - Flickr, Twitter, Blogger, the lot. I've poked around Facebook, and stuffed myself up YouTube. I even had a MySpace page for an afternoon until I realised I was a 33 year old man and not a twelve year old girl into stickers, ponies and self-harm with an ugly penchant for tiled backgrounds and flashing glitter text. And in each of these arenas, you put a little of yourself forward for the internet at large, who will judge you whether you like it or not. Why here alone, I've unspooled with such candid honesty that you are all aware that I would pay good money to have Ryan Reynolds and Matthew Fox diddle me so long and so hard that when I sitting in the back of my limo while leaving our Soho loft love-nest, flicking through approvals for my Fall fashion line (its a very full and varied fantasy) that every time I uncrossed my legs it would be like peeling apart a toasted cheese sandwich.

And then, after all that lessez-faire attitude, I came across Amazon Recommends, the semi-intuitive section of their ordering site that says 'You bought this, you may want this', and spent the next hour screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!!!" while constantly refeshing the plethora of choices on offer. Why I've taken it to heart, I don't know. Perhaps as A Gentleman With Too Many Storecards, I hope that with a bit of fine-tuning this service will present me the ultimate in shopping experiences; some kind of commercial nirvana that gives me a list of ten things I Simply Must Have each time I visit. As it is, I'm getting presented with choices such as Sylvia Plath because I once bought 'Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit' for a female friend who was so far in the closet she smelt of mothballs. I mean, me! Plath! It's like trying to give a dog a kazoo, or Jessica Simpson an acting role. We'd only deftly fuck it up, but try and look adorable as we did it.

As I've been writing this, I've been clicking the 'Not Interested' and 'I Own This' options on a couple of items (for a while, we got stuck in a whole Ben Elton vortex because I said I owned 'Popcorn' to shut it up. I didn't say it was any good) and now its all SCART cables and chick-lit. If only there was a sliding scale that you could just increase from 'Boring' to 'Fabulous', it would save a lot of trouble of clicking on swathes of Margaret Atwoods, the sheer volume of which you would be quite able to make a pretentious-if-slightly-boring little house out of.

Still, I don't know why I'm surprised as most things I order off the internet are never what you require. I mean clearly - as we're sharing - it was not as disappointing as the time I ordered a six-foot-eight-inches prison warder called Uric of... lets call it a Gentleman's Orange Website - 'EasyGay' if you wish - and he arrived at my chinzy boudoir for a bit of slap and tickle. And as soon as he got there, pitched forward onto the bed like a felled tree, face down, pointing as his rump with a bizarre urgency. I mean, that's not what you want, is it?! It wasn't in the brochure. I feel that you engage a person like that in the capacity similar to that of Dyna-Rod. When they're towering over you, telling you their height, you're all but unable to stop doing your Mae West of "Well, lets forget about the six foot, lets talk about the eight inches" while clutching your pearls, your wallet, or your ankles.


Now I'm imagining what the 'Gaydar Recommends' section of the site would be like. When you log on, you'd get presented with such wondrous options as 'You have had "BootedThickFingeredNavvy86", why not try "SurlyPolishWorkman_02" (Rate out of five stars)' I'd probably still spend as long trying to get it all working correctly, but it would be a heck of a lot more fun!

Have a good weekend, y'all.


Perry Neeham said...

That is a truely fabulous idea.

CyberPete said...

What great idea, you should pitch that to them.

I think it may be an error because it keeps telling me to buy Madonnas new album in all kinds of versions.


Skip said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CyberPete said...

Fabulous Lee!

You've just won a really kool award. To see what it is come on over to my blog. Congratulations mate.

OMO said...

Please tell me SurlyPolishWorkman_02 really exists!