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Friday, December 12, 2008

Things Wot I Have Learned This Week

1) Ever since Ryan moved in, I've gained twice the wardrobe, double the sex and two pounds in weight. I am quite adamant that this is His Fault, and how he denies it is a mystery. Everything he makes in the kitchen seems to have the first instruction 'crush up a packet of biscuits, and add a pound of butter'. His latest concoction, Malteaser Squares, are a good Irish recipe from the homeland, with the first ingredient after the obligatory crushed biscuits being 8 bags of Malteasers. Then there Dairy Milk, biscuits, butter and the topping is made of Toblerone. Honestly, the Irish have one famine and all of a sudden they're all about the calories.

2) There is absolutely no manly way to carry dry cleaning.

3) My mother has joined Facebook. I'm not sure she 'gets' it. Still, I showed her how to block my step-mother and she did a little dance, so maybe there's hope... I also wish my step-mother was wicked by the way. She's not. She's just... bland. Clearly perfect for my father as I've never seen anything get so much joy out of being told what to do every second of every day. Bar the child's toy BigTrak, that is.

4) I hate to use the word 'comfortable', but this is clearly where Ryan and I are heading (see point 1). The first time I noticed this was our choice of bedroom reading material stopped being so covertly chosen to give a good impression to each other; he now reads snobby Depression era fiction without an apology, I read Garfield and giggle into the valance.

5) Finally, today I'm currently working on a pitch for a french arthouse film poster. I only said I would do it because I thought 'arthouse' would be euphemistic for porn. It is not. I'm mildly disappointed, especially after making all those little red-and-yellow stars to put over lady's nipples, like wot they do. I may stick them on anyway to get people to go and see it. Or print them out and put them on myself for the afternoon. That'll scare the cleaner when she arrives...

Have a good weekend, y'all.

3 comments:

CyberPete said...

You sound happy. I'm glad.

Bar the Maltese squares it sounds like perfect bliss.

Stepfordtart said...

You arent SERIOUSLY worrying about putting on TWO pounds in weight, are you? Jeez. I can do that giving L a hearty blow job. I want the recipe for the Malteser thing - I can feel the enamel stripping from my teeth just at the thought of it. s x

Lee said...

Two pounds from a blow job? Lord, he takes his zinc, doesn't he?